Just. Be. Still.

“Relax, Daniel, don’t be afraid. From the moment you decided to humble yourself to receive understanding, your prayer was heard.” (Daniel 10:12; MSG)

I got up on the wrong side of the bed today. I was in good head space when I went to sleep, but I woke up angry and combative. Never a great way to start the day.

The day started anyway, and I worked to stop the running arguments in my head as I went through my usual morning motions. I sent up a handful of hurried prayers for God to release me. The arguments persisted. I grabbed a notebook and angrily wrote out about three or four pages of what was going on in my mind. If it hadn’t been for time, I would’ve written more. As I threw together my things to hurry out the door for work, I dialed my sponsor in hopes of releasing some of the tumult. No answer.

Arriving at work, I glossed the subject with a co-worker and friend in whom I can confide, touching only the basic idea of what had me so afflicted. He offered some limited perspective and helped by giving me a couple of extra things to consider. I calmed a bit and began my work day. As I feel tends to happen when I am already in a state of agitation, several things popped up just within the first three hours that grated on my raw nerves. Another co-worker approached and undeservedly received a barrage of angry words about the things that had irritated me in the past hour.

Knowing I needed to do something to change my attitude, I stepped outside to take a few minutes and pray. The first thing that came to my mind was the Prayer of St. Francis. Following that, a few deep breaths in stillness and earnest requests to God to help me seek to be compassionate and understanding. Opening my eyes I picked up my Bible and the page fell open to Daniel. Highlighted on the page, I saw first, “’Don’t be afraid, friend. Peace. Everything is going to be all right. Take courage. Be strong.” (Daniel 10:19; MSG) As I read and re-read the words, I indeed felt peace seep in.

Further up on the page the highlighted words, “From the moment you decided to humble yourself to receive understanding, your prayer was heard.” (Daniel 10:12; MSG)

As I sat in my car and breathed in the warmth and sunshine wafting in through the open windows, the war of the morning subsided.

I just needed to be still for a few minutes, call out to God from the stillness, then sit with him in the stillness. Why, oh, why, oh, why does it seem so difficult for me to just. be. still. It is one of the primary reasons why one of my Lenten commitments was to this blog. As evidenced by the lack of recent posts, I allowed other things in life to win out yet again. Always there is the struggle to differentiate between treating myself with grace and allowing behavior to continue that is inconsistent with what I believe or what I desire in my life.

And ultimately, that is the underlying issue right now with anything I approach.

So here is a revision for this last week and a half of Lent, most especially for Holy Week, a time to which I should devote myself in earnest to what the week remembers. If I write a reflection, great. If I don’t get to it, no sweat. More importantly than anything else, I need to spend time in stillness. So my commitment is to make that time. To apologize to anyone or anything that I must miss for it, and to make that time. To show God I’m serious about this and I want my relationship with him more than anything else.

My prayer today is that those of you who stumble across this blog and also struggle with stillness find the strength with me to sit quietly with God every day. To make space for God rather than fit God in.

Amen.

Room Full of Boxes

“From the ends of the earth I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you are my refuge.” (Psalm 61:2-3; NLT/NIV)

When life gets overwhelming, I like to use my “Room Full of Boxes” analogy. I came up with this analogy during a particularly difficult move. I got all of my things moved into my new home and unpacked the essentials, then left most of my stuff in boxes in the spare room and closed the door. Every time I opened the door and saw all the boxes, I felt overwhelmed. For months, my response was to close the door and pretend the room did not exist.

Finally, one day, I summoned my courage, breathed a prayer, opened the door and pulled out one box. After that, one box at a time, I finished unpacking.

Life is a room full of boxes. At any given time, I have boxes to unpack. They may be work boxes, family boxes, financial boxes, relationship boxes... When I get stressed and feel like I’m in a situation where several decisions need to be made at once, I want to close the door. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know where to start, I don’t want to do it, so I’ll just ignore it.

The problem is that closing the door to the room full of boxes doesn’t make the boxes go away. Neither does ignoring or delaying addressing issues that present themselves in my life. The more I resist, the harder it becomes, the more overwhelmed I feel.

It can be crippling.

So how do I combat the room full of boxes? The first thing I do is acknowledge it. Acknowledging the situation(s) making me feel overwhelmed takes away some their power. The second thing I do, when I stop being stubborn and willful, is to give it to God. “God, I feel overwhelmed. Here is my situation. I feel a little lost and like I don’t know where to start. Please calm my soul and show me the way.” Then I open the door and ask God to help me see one box at a time.

It is freeing.

“Do you not know or have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.” (Isaiah 40:28-29; NAB/NLT)

If you find you are battling a room full of boxes today, feeling overwhelmed, lost and like you don’t know where to start, invite God to the doorway. As you stand together in front of the closed door, tell God about the room. Tell him about the boxes and what’s in them, then tell him about your heart and where your mind is. Take a few moments of quiet to feel him as he smiles at you and places his hands on you, reassuring you. Then, with his loving care surrounding you, take a deep breath, open the door, and reach for the first box.

My prayer today is that I invite God to my room full of boxes, trusting that he alone can show me where to start, trusting that he can help me unpack my boxes, trusting that he can give me strength to finish unpacking. God you are good and the source of all things good. I give my room full of boxes and my weary, burdened heart to you. Thank you for your endless mercy and grace, and your patience with me when I choose to be stubborn in following your lead.

Amen! =D

Working for What?

“People leave this world no better off than when they came. All their hard work is for nothing—like working for the wind. Throughout their lives, they live under a cloud—frustrated, discouraged, and angry.” (Ecclesiates 5:16-17; NLT)

It is safe to say that money is the number one thing that can poke holes in my serenity. Here in this society, money is required for me to make it from day to day – to feed myself, to clothe myself, to keep a roof over my head. Money also is required for education, preparation and relaxation.

I know I am not alone in this. Friends and family members have struggled over the years, some breaking free of money’s crush, others still living under it, and yet others choosing to remain unaware of any issue. With the ups and downs of the economy over the last several years, many of us found ourselves suddenly unemployed, and while God may have graced us with a new job, we carry the burden of debt accumulated while without work. Many who chose to take out school loans over recent years graduated only to be unable to find work adequate to cover the cost of their monthly payments.

And the cost of everything, it seems, continues to go up, up, up, while our paychecks, if we’re blessed enough to have them, stay right where they are.

Spend some time in Ecclesiates and you’ll see the author is very much fed up with our human patterns of existence. Perhaps he saw something similar in his time to what is common today of people working hard just to make ends meet and hardly getting to enjoy the life God gave them because of their constant toiling. He says it’s all for nothing. We can’t take it with us, so there’s no use for hoarding it. We should be enjoying life more, not being so consumed by work and worry.

But what about saving money for retirement? Or emergencies? What about providing for the kids?

Perhaps the main point here is that the author is trying to bring our attention to our fruitless works. Not to tell us to stop working all together, but to consider where our time is spent and how much we trust God to take care of us. In the introduction to Ecclesiates in The Message, Eugene Peterson writes:

“Ecclesiastes actually doesn’t say that much about God; the author leaves that to the other sixty-five books of the Bible. His task is to expose our total incapacity to find the meaning and completion of our lives on our own.” (emphasis mine.)

The primary message coming through in my reflections this Lenten season focuses on my need to rely on God, live into God’s will, and trust that God will provide and take care of all my needs. I’ve even written about how I know that doing exactly that is always the best decision I can make. But, human that I am, it becomes difficult when I sit down in front of the black and red of my budget and wonder how to make it work. How do I know when I’m trying to figure it out or if I’m trying to follow God’s lead? One thing at a time. Plenty of prayer and plenty of trust.

My prayer today is that I continue striving toward God’s will, not my own, even when it comes to my finances. May I trust him with my money and tear down the fears which stand between me and my pure belief that he will provide for all my needs. Lead the way, God, I’m right behind you.

Amen! =D

Run with Endurance the Race

“At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God. So don’t sit around on your hands, strengthen your weak knees. Clear the paths for long-distance runners so that what is lame may be healed.” (Hebrews 12:11-13; MSG/NAB para.)

Currently, I am training for a big run. As part of a twelve-person team, I will participate in a 200-mile relay race in less than two weeks. Before I started training in January, the last time I ran was in June.

One of the first things I had to learn as I began to train was to work on my words. I had to stop saying, “I’m not a runner.” Saying that diminished and devalued any attempt at progress I made. Instead, I worked to say, “I’ve not previously been a runner, but I’m running now,” thus affirming myself in my training.

The next great obstacle was my body, which did not want to run. For the past couple of months I’ve battled discouragement while nursing tight calves, weak knees and ankles, struggling lungs, misaligned hips and shin splints.

While running, to combat the pain and the negative attitude that tried to win in my mind, I turned to prayer. At first I tried sticking with gratitude lists, but eventually my mind fell to a mantra of brief, repetitive God-praising phrases to egg me on and keep my mind focused solely on God and not on my discouraging thoughts or resistant body.

Then came the moment when I ran my first full mile. Not long after that, I ran through two miles. Not long after that again, I ran three miles.

Triumph. And only with God.

I still battle pain and discouraging thoughts. It’s difficult to fit training into my schedule, and the shin splints won’t seem to go away even though I’ve given them rest and tried other methods for healing. But come hell or high water, I’m running in that race. The experience of disciplined training and having real, tangible evidence of progress and what God makes possible is more rewarding than I could’ve expected. For that, I am incredibly grateful.

Up next: a sprint triathlon this fall. I feel a little crazy to consider it, but I’ve seen from these past couple of months what God can do with me if I let him. (I’ve also realized that the only way I apparently have the discipline to work out or get any exercise is if I’m training for an event.)

“Let us strip off every weight that slows us down. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Think of him and you won’t become weary and give up.” (Hebrews 12:1; NLT para.)

My prayer today is that I place Jesus before me at the finish line and at all points along my runs so I can see and hear him cheering me on and see him jumping up and down at the finish line, just waiting to lift me up in his arms after I cross it, embracing me and telling me, “Well done.”

Amen! =D 

Taxes vs. Death

 “Then Jesus said to them, “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s.” (Mark 12:17; NIV)

I started my tax return today. Knowing that I’m not likely to win the lottery to solve financial issues, I jumped into my taxes in hopes of a refund. I was confident that this would be a way God would provide. As I clicked the last button, I felt sick to see that my state return was cancelled out by what I owed to federal.

Generally, I try not to talk dirty or mean about people. I may slip, but I really do try. Except when it comes to the IRS. Especially as it relates to taxes. The words I’ve used to describe how I experience them are profane, but best express how violated I feel time and again by taxes. And I feel like I have no power over them.

After indulging in willful disobedience and consoling myself with food that definitely does not fall under my Lenten dietary commitment, I sat down to write so I didn’t miss the bar on both commitments today. Instantly the story about giving to Caesar popped into my head.

As I prayed and pondered, then picked up and read the verse in its entirety, it hit me square in the face. “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s.” Giving to Caesar is easy. The government tells me I have to pay them money, so I pay it or suffer penalties. Giving to God? Well, I write a lot about how much I take back from God. I’m a thief and re-gifter to God: “Here, take this. No, I want it back. Here it is again. Can I see that for a minute? Please, I don’t want this; take it.”

I also had to look at what I don’t give to God that is God’s. Time, talents, spiritual gifts. I wrote recently that I don’t want to be that girl hiding her light under a bucket,¹ yet I’m standing face to face with a line of buckets under which I hide.

Lent provides me great opportunity to learn about myself and about my God-given work. I know I’m giving to Caesar what is his, but am I giving to God what is God’s? What am I holding back? Why? Honestly, I feel excited to explore this although I know it means hard work ahead.

Right now I’m making a commitment that will require great effort on my part: No more dirty talk about the tax man. God will provide for all my needs so long as I trust him to do so. He’s done it before and he’ll do it again. And as I step into what may be part of that provision, just maybe I will start removing some buckets.

Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s; give to Me what is Mine; trust me to take care of the rest. Look at the birds and the flowers of the field, carefree in my care. How much more do I care for you! You will find all your everyday human concerns will be met.²

My prayer today is for the strength and courage to come out from under my buckets and step in willingness and obedience into the wide-open, wonderful God-life designed specifically for me. May you also find the way out from under your buckets.

Amen! =D

¹ Am I Consistent? See also Matthew 5:14-16

² Mark 12:13-17; Matthew 22:15-22; Matthew 6:25-34/Luke 12:22-34

Kindness is Catching, You Know

2 Timothy 2:20-26

“Become the kind of container God can use to present any and every kind of gift to his guests for their blessing.” (2 Tim. 2:21; MSG)

I refuse not to believe in the basic good of all people.

What it comes down to is that we all have pasts. We’ve all been hurt, mistreated, abused, used, abandoned, praised, loved, hated, worshiped, forgotten, lied to… Everything everyone says or does is directly influenced by what happened to her and how she has or has not dealt with it.

This in no way excuses poor behavior, it merely explains it.

But at the core, at the seed of our being, we are all good people. God created each one of us, after all. Yet while God is so Amazing and Wonderful and Good, the world we created with our free will is often harsh and cynical and terrifying.

Society – at least in the corner of the world with which I am familiar – is far more slanted toward the negative than the positive, and more toward the individual than the group. Social implications teach us to tear others down to make ourselves look or feel better rather than build each other up. Tabloids and gossip shows exploit the famous, highlighting their faults and failures. Reality shows are often edited to show people at their worst, treating each other poorly and creating unnecessary drama. We find this entertaining, I think, because seeing what’s wrong with others’ lives makes us feel better about our own. Bad day at work? Boss was mean? Go home, kick back to reality TV and feel better by watching the petty drama. Or turn on the news and feel better about the blah of life because at least we aren’t in Syria, our kids haven’t been kidnapped, or our house didn’t catch fire.

Imagine what would happen if all that was taken away. Imagine if we focused on the good things and didn’t glorify negative news. Imagine what the world would be like if we really did just love each other.

These days, as I continue growing in my spirit-filled life, I work hard to stay positive, to encourage others, to give compliments, perform random acts of kindness, go out of my way to be nice to others – even if they aren’t nice to me. It does not take long to see the impact this has on the people around me. And I’m just one person!

Robin Sharma, an inspirational author, once said, “Leave each person better than you found them.” I was taught growing up to leave a place better than I found it. (Babysitting? Clean up a little bit, even if they didn’t ask.) I love, love, love the idea of applying that to people and I am implementing it into my behavior. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a coworker, family member, or clerk at the grocery store. Smile, be polite, engage. Doing that we just might make someone’s day.

I remember an email chain going around once that was the story of two boys, one of which was severely bullied. One day, the second boy went out of his way to be kind to the first, walking home with him and talking to him about the day. Years later, the bullied boy told the second boy that he had planned on killing himself that night until the second boy was nice to him. That one act of kindness gave him enough hope to carry on. We may never know what chain reaction our kindness has, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it can have incredible power! A kind word, a smile, a nice gesture…  Who knows what it could do for someone?!

So how does this relate to my refusing not to believe in the basic good of all people? In my interactions with others, it is that Good Seed God planted toward which I speak and act. If someone is rude toward me, I don’t talk to the rudeness. I reach out to the Good Seed. If someone offers harsh criticism, after he walks away I pray over his day and whatever may be going on in his life (Matt 5:44).

Now, it is important to bear in mind that this is a Christ-like attribute toward which to strive. It is an aspect of a spirit-filled life, a God-gift. We must, must, must always remember that we are human, we are not perfect, and we will not be able to keep this up 100% of the time. There is stuff going on in our lives, too. Just yesterday I allowed tired frustration to color my interaction with a pharmacy associate. She was only kind to me, but I was tired after a long day of work, irritated that they didn’t have what I wanted, beyond ready to go home, and therefore not as pleasant as I could’ve been. Even Jesus couldn’t keep it up 100% of the time (“Jesus was irate and let them know it…” see Mark 10:14), and if HE couldn’t do it, WE certainly can’t expect to. The key is to keep that in mind, to heighten our awareness of our attitudes toward others, to recognize and acknowledge when we fall short, and to pray about it, asking for forgiveness and the strength to do better the next time.

My prayer tonight is that I continue to work toward kindness, to seek out the Good Seed in everyone I meet, and that I can create sparks and light matches that help spread the Holy Fire of God’s Grace and Love.

Amen!  :D

Lifted Up

1 Peter 5:10

“The suffering won’t last forever.  It won’t be long before [the God of all grace] this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ – eternal and glorious plans they are! – will have you put together and on your feet for good [will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast].”  (1 Pet. 5:10, MSG [NIV])

I’ve been hanging out in the desert for the past week or so.  I didn’t feel completely disconnected from God, but I knew I wasn’t where he wanted me to be.  He provided for me, then I ran with a couple of things on my own and actually kind of shut him out.  I kept talking to God some, but I wasn’t really listening for any response or direction. 

I’ve written recently about God allowing things to happen in my life for the purpose of teaching me about myself. I also outright prayed for him to break me because I know it can take drastic measures to hammer a point home with me sometimes. 

God was listening.  He watched as I wrote one day about a part of my life I always take back where I needed to learn patience, then watched as less than a week later I had already forgotten and was charging forward on my own. 

The series of events that took place just over this past weekend alone were so perfectly orchestrated to break me in such a precise manner that I was standing on the rim of hell before I lifted my hands high and God picked me up.  In a matter of moments, I went from being a completely and utterly terrified mess to resting in God’s arms, at peace, lighter than I have felt yet.  I could not have looked at the whole situation and seen how many things God was going to use it to heal.  It was impossible to know until it happened just how he was working it all in me. 

I feel God everywhere, but I feel especially connected to him at the beach.  I ended up on an empty beach Sunday evening, which is where this moment of healing took place.  God took me out there, when I had no idea I was even near a beach, and it just so happened to be a beach I have only been to one other time – another time God took me there for healing.

Standing at the water’s edge, I watched the sun set and felt God lift me up as I reached for him.  He restored peace and quiet to my soul, and took yet more things from me that have caused me pain.  I felt a renewed sense of joy, and when I stepped back, I was blown away by how symbolic my footprints in the sand were.  I’ve never had footprints quite like these.  Instead of being imprinted in the sand, they were extruded, almost as evidence of the weight God had lifted from me, evidence that he had lifted me up.

I’m thinking I should hang these footprints up as a reminder.  God’s grace is beyond measure and his mercy never ceases.

Amen!  :D



Where is Your Quiet Place?

Matthew 6:6

“Here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God.  Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage.  The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.” (MSG)

In a world where keeping up appearances is such a common compulsion, it can be difficult to pull oneself out of that bad habit, even when talking to God.  It is imperative that I am transparent when I go to God.  No pretentions, no sugar-coating, no grazing the surface of deeper things. 

To open myself up in such a way is to be incredibly vulnerable – a nearly impossible task if I am not alone.  There are plenty of times I have gone to God with deep, deep wounds and sobbed to him over my greatest troubles in a way I never could have even with my closest friend. 

In the quiet, secluded place, I can be vulnerable and completely open myself up to communion with God.  My prayer need not be complex.  A simple, short prayer will suffice just as much as pouring out my heart and soul.  However the spirit moves me, in my solitude I may move with it. 

I am still working on maintaining my focus on God once it shifts while I sit in quiet meditation.  My attention span and ability to concentrate are not the strongest things.  But God knows I am trying, and my effort speaks more to him than being able to sit still in one spot and keep my mind from drifting to some random thing that happened during the day after two minutes of focusing on him. 

As I continue to practice meditating and spending time in that quiet, secluded place, my ability to maintain focus will get better, God and I can grow closer, and I will feel his grace.  I find it helpful at times to simply repeat to myself, “God is with me,” or “Be still and know that I am God.”  Even a one-word repetitive prayer such as, “Peace,” or “Love,” can be sufficient to keep my mind where I want it: On God.

As I go through this day I pray that I can find moments to slip into that quiet place, to offer up prayers of gratitude and prayers for strength, keeping as best I can my focus on God and not on the world around me.  And may I ever sense his grace!

Amen!  :D

God is With Me

 

Image Source: Amanda Geisinger

Joshua 1:5b, 9b

“In the same way I was with Moses, I’ll be with you.  I won’t give up on you; I won’t leave you. Strength!  Courage!  Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged.  God, your God, is with you every step you take.” (MSG)

God is with me.  This has been my mantra for a couple of days.  And it’s good to get a reminder that God won’t give up on me.

Looking over the last few entries I wrote as well as verses coming out of my devotionals, I can make no mistake that the events that took place over the last few days were all a part of the plan.  God knows far better than I do what needs to happen and what I need to go through in order to see where I really am with him in this new life.  It is no coincidence that I just wrote about how I have to know what I am not in order to know what I am.

God will never give me more than I can handle (1 Cor. 10:13), but sometimes I have to push myself to the limit.  I may not always be the biggest fan of the growth experiences God lines up for me.  The last few have been so intense that I wasn’t entirely sure I was going to come out unscathed.  Each rattled me in ways that were new and unfamiliar.

But the intensity was necessary to teach me vital lessons.  And I have no doubt the teaching is not over and that I have many more of these trials through which I will go.  God isn’t finished with me yet (Philippians 1:6), but he has great plans for me (Jer. 29:11) which were planned out before I even lived one day (Psalm 139:16).  Who am I to question it?  God knows what’s going on and that’s all that matters.  I need to trust him. 

All of this in its own gnarled way has increased my awareness of God in my life.  God knows he needs to rock me to my core to make things stick where I am in life right now.  In time, he may not have to pack such a powerful punch, but while I’m still shedding my old skin, he knows he has to bowl me over to get my attention. 

As I continue growing into this new God life, I pray that he knocks me over as many times as he needs to for me to get the message.  I also pray that I never forget what it means to be broken, even if that means God has to continue to allow me to break now and then. 

God is with me – he always has been and he always will be.

Amen!  :D

But I Want It Now

Romans 5:3-4

“We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.”  (MSG, italics mine)

I’ve never been one to be good with patience.  At least, not the waiting kind.  I can have the patience of a saint when it comes to dealing with an unruly child, but make me wait on something and I won’t have any fingernails left. 

There’s a particular area of my life I constantly try to take back from God.  Why?  Because I get tired of waiting.  I get impatient.  In spite of the fact that I have plenty of evidence that my doing so causes more trouble, I continue to give it up, take it back, give it up, take it back...   I know God sits there and shakes his head, maybe doing an occasional facepalm when I really botch things up by trying to take over.

Just last night we talked about it, God and I, and I expressed to him my frustration.  “You made me, you know I need this, please!”  Right?  I need it.  Says who?  Me?

What I do need right now is to turn it around and develop that passionate patience.  God has placed a situation in my life where lack of patience in this area could really cause me some trouble.  Lacking the patience I definitely will not forge my steel of virtue and I’ll get so caught up in my mess that I certainly won’t be alert to what God is doing. 

And I know, in the end, that is why I need to be patient and wait until the time is right anyway.  With this particular issue I am prone to be completely distracted from God if I am not ready when it comes.  He knows this.  He knows I need to be stronger in him before I can have these other things come into my life.

In the verse that follows, Paul points out that in developing this patience and living in alert expectancy we will never be left feeling “shortchanged.  Quite the contrary – we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives by the Holy Spirit!” (Rom. 5:5 MSG)

That is where my focus should be: on all the blessings God constantly pours into my life.

Lord, grant me patience and help me to look at the blessings, not at what I think is missing.

Amen!  :D

Really, God?

Lamentations 3:19-24

Life can be difficult.  Even the most devout and God-faithful run into times when life just plain stinks.  Regardless of the reason, many of us will have bad moments, bad days, bad weeks, bad years.  The key in all of this, is not to lose sight of God. 

I find myself a bit upset with God today.  Mostly because I was completely caught off guard by something which has left me feeling let down.  One of the things over which I have been praying so hard lately, it seemed as though I was getting an answer, then in one quick moment it was taken away. 

It’s not so much the situation itself as it is the, “Really??  Really??!!” factor.  Where I thought I could find some relief, I now find complication.  Where I thought I could find some rest, I now find trouble. 

So, I let God have it.  I let him know exactly what I think about the whole thing.  I told him in clear, direct, angry language that I’m upset.  And I didn’t use nice words. 

And then I went to my bible.  I searched for a verse under the heading of “discouragement” because I just wasn’t getting anything out of what I’d already read.  Likely because I’m a bit closed off to God today, which isn’t a good place to be.  Eventually, I landed in Lamentations, the name alone being appropriate to my feelings.  I found what I needed to find – a verse that speaks to being upset and let down, but the importance of remembering God’s love and faithfulness.  There is something greater in all of this, I just have to get over it and move on.

“I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.  I remember it all – oh, how well I remember – the feeling of hitting the bottom.  But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope.  God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.  They’re created new every morning.  How great is your faithfulness!  I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).”  Lam. 3:19-24 (MSG, italics mine.)

So I will ask God’s forgiveness for being angry with him and I will spend plenty of time today in prayer about this situation, looking less at how it hurts and more at where I can go from here.  And I will rest assured that tomorrow is a new day, and God has a plan.

Amen!  :D

Look, It Was Your Idea

Exodus 33:12-15

I love this little gem in the story of Moses.  Moses is fed up, frustrated – he was given a job he didn’t want to do, asked to lead an ungrateful group of people with selective hearing, and constantly has to fight for them with the one who asked him to lead them!  Just after the incident with the golden calf, God tells Moses he isn’t coming with them on their journey because he’s over the Israelites’ behavior.  He even says, “I couldn’t stand being with you for even a moment – I’d destroy you.” Exodus 33:5 (MSG) 

So Moses, at the end of his rope, not only calls God out on the irony, he gives him an ultimatum.  He says, “Look, you tell me, ‘Lead this people.’ ... Don’t forget this is your people, your responsibility.”   God says, okay, “My presence will go with you.” 

“If your presence doesn’t take the lead here, call off this trip right now.”  Ex 33:13-15 (MSG)

So my boss has this great idea, gets me in on it with him, has me round up a bunch of people he know will be difficult to deal with, gets me into the middle of a project, gets tired of dealing with the people and tries to send me off on my own to finish the project with them, saying: 

“I’ll be with you in spirit...” 

“Like hell you will!  Your butt will be with me here and now and through the rest of it or else call off the whole thing.  I didn’t get into it on my own and I’m not doing it without you in the lead because this whole thing was your idea!”

I love it!  I love it because it makes God so tangible, which seldom happens  in the Old Testament.  He’s so often this large, raging, cloud, burning bush, wrathful, “Okay, fine, I won’t kill you this time,” God, that to see him in this conversation with Moses puts him on a relatable human level.  Moses is out in the hot sun with the Israelites, doing the hard work, and God just left Starbucks, coffee in hand, pulling out the keys to his BMW, trying to get off the phone with Moses, “My presence will go with you...”

How often I have felt like Moses: God, if you don’t take the lead here, then just call the whole thing off!  I have a vague idea of what I’m supposed to be doing, and I know God’s presence is here with me, but I’d really rather he take the lead and just give me clear instruction on what I am to do and where I am to go. 

But God wants me to do the better part of the work on my own.  Not because he thinks he’s better than me and would rather be cruising around in his BMW, but because he has entrusted me with a task he knows I can accomplish, even if I can’t see that I am capable of it.  He will not leave me high and dry, and as much as I love picturing God glibly saying, “I’ll be with you in spirit,” leaving me to fend for myself, the fact is that he never leaves me.  He really is with me in spirit – always has been, always will be.

So when I next catch myself feeling like Moses in the desert, wanting to throw my phone down and stomp on it in anger because I know God’s got a nice cold iced coffee in his air-conditioned BMW, I will try to remember that God’s not blowing me off.  He’s simply doing what he does, nudging me out of the nest so I can fly on my own.  He’ll never give me more than I can handle (1 Cor. 10:13), and he knows better than I do what I can handle.  He knows when he needs to make the drive out to the desert and bring me some water.

Amen!  :D

"My presence will be with you."

(Photo by Bauer Griffin)

He Knew You'd Click the Link

Psalm 139:13-16

“Body and soul, I am marvelously made!” Psalm 139:14b (MSG)

Oh, how amazing the difference in my attitude toward myself inside and out when I look in the mirror and gleefully say this verse out loud in praise to God!  In this joyful Psalm David shouts his praise to God for how wonderfully God has made him. 

“Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

you formed me in my mother’s womb. 

I thank you, High God – you’re breathtaking! 

Body and soul, I am marvelously made! 

I worship in adoration – what a creation! 

You know me inside and out,

you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

how I was sculpted from nothing into something. 

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

before I’d even lived on day.” 

Psalm 139:13-16 (MSG)

This is a lovely bit of scripture on which I think it would be good to meditate daily.  It’s a great reminder not only of how God “marvelously” made me, but also of how he knows every single moment of every single day long before I ever encounter it.  He knew, for instance, that I would get to writing today’s meditation late because of the string of events – both good and bad – that happened this morning.  And he knew that after I worked through my emotions that I’d be in my usual spot on the couch in front of the laptop asking for inspiration while the sliding glass door was open to the screen so the kitties and I could enjoy the cool fall weather. 

I don’t want to take my moments for granted.  In that moment I spill coffee on my new shirt or that moment I ram my toe with great force into something hard and stationery, I want to smile because I know that God already knew it was going to happen and, somehow, it’s all part of a grander plan.  ...even if that part is God’s comic relief. 

Amen!  :D

Somewhere Between Planting and Harvest

James 5:7-8, 10-11

“You see farmers do this all the time, waiting for their valuable crops to mature, patiently letting the rain do its slow but sure work.  Be patient like that.  Stay steady and strong.” James 5:7b-8a (MSG)

I grew up with farms as neighbors, in a state covered with farmland, with farmers in my family, and kids in farming families at school.  I watched fields rotate corn, soybeans, cattle, and seasons where nothing was planted.  Farmers must know their land and how to work it in order to provide for their families and for the rest of us who go to the grocery store hoping for food to put in our stomachs. 

Farmers are dependent on the weather, which requires much patience.  My dad, who lives on a farm, updates me on how things are going both at planting and harvest time.  This year it rained so much through the spring that the farmers couldn’t get the crops out until much later than usual.  Then the weather became too dry, then too wet again...  It has been a rough farming season in the Midwest. 

But, like the old prophets, the farmers keep going.  “They put up with anything, went through everything, and never once quit...”  They have to – their lives depend on it.  And if they don’t keep going, we don’t keep eating.

James references Job’s trials and how God brought it all together for him at the end.  So, too, it is, when I work not for myself, but for God, striving to do his will and sticking it out with him through every trial, every test, every bad day, every good day, and so on. 

Even now, as I have gotten more distracted and side-tracked, too new to this whole completely trusting in God and not worrying thing not to take on human concerns, God is pulling it together for me.  Today it was as if he said to me, “Look, you know I’m in control.  Just let go and do what I am telling you to do.  Stop trying to pull it together yourself, even if you’re only trying a little.  I’ve got this.  Just do what I tell you.” 

So I am going to try much, much harder and pray all the more on my surrendering power and my ability to let go and let God and do what he tells me, “Because God cares, cares right down to the last detail.” James 5:11b (MSG) 

He’s got this.  I’ve just got to find my inner farmer and wait for God to make this crop mature, patiently letting his rain do its slow but sure work in me.  Steady and strong.

Amen!  :D