God and Donuts

“Only take care, son of man, that you don’t rebel like these rebels. Open your mouth and eat what I give you.” (Ezekiel 2:8, MSG)

This morning I ate six donuts. After the sixth, I got a spoon and scraped the sugary, oily glaze off the bottom of the empty box. Doing this broke several of the commitments I’ve made to God and to myself regarding food & nutrition, and already I can feel the unpleasant side effects starting to take shape. It is safe to say I am not at my spiritually (or physically) healthiest this morning.

The part of me that likes to make excuses says, “Well, eating six donuts certainly is preferable to drinking or putting other mind-altering substances in my body. God can forgive this.” Perhaps this is true. After all, God forgives everything. But getting down to the bottom of it, I didn’t need to eat the donuts at all. It was a cop-out, a diversion, and in its own way, abuse of a mind-altering substance. How about that? Donuts are a mind-altering substance. A lot of food can be. Especially for people like me who struggle with various forms of food addiction and eating disorders.

With all of the spiritual, therapeutic and programmatic tools I have for addressing and dealing with stress and difficult situations, why did I feel the need to plow through a box of donuts? It’s worth examining. Was it rebellion? An act out of anger at the situation presenting as the stressor? Was it simply not having the energy to exercise impulse control?

From the moment I made the conscious decision to get in the car to go buy donuts, I knew it was a bad idea. With every bite of each of the six donuts, I hated what I was doing. The act also brought to light an interesting revelation: eating the donuts opened a door for self-loathing and flagellation, things which now I strive to avoid doing, but once defined a comfortable misery in which I lived. Yet another indicator of an unhealthy spiritual condition. Being hard on myself is easier than being hard on anyone else.

So why did I do it? I honestly believe it comes back to rebellion. Given that I knew what I was doing with every step and bite I took, I have to believe it was rebellion. I’ve seen how well I’ve managed the impulse control recently with food, so I really don’t feel I can blame it on that. It was rebellion. I was unhappy with how a situation presented itself and, in anger, I ate donuts at God. I did not eat and enjoy them with God or bless God for them or bless them as gifts from God; I ate them in open defiance, eating them at him. As with anything that happens in that manner, though, I only harmed myself.

Withholding forgiveness and giving into certain temptations can bring about the same result. We get angry with a spouse, so we drink to get back at him, yet we harm ourselves. We get angry with a sister, so we stop talking to her to get back at her, yet we harm ourselves. We get upset about something at work, so we take it out on others in our job, yet we harm ourselves.

There is a quote I’ve heard repeated several times that says, “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Well, not forgiving God is like eating six consecutive donuts and waiting for him to feel sick, get bloated, experience a sugar crash and not fit into his jeans.

It’s okay to get angry with God. What’s not okay is to cause harm to myself or others because I don’t like how life came at me on any particular day. What’s not okay is forsaking working toward being a healthier me because I’m upset about something. I am human; I will fall. But every time I recognize my fall, I have the opportunity to turn my face upward, reach out my hands and say, “Okay, that was dumb. Please help me get up and please show me how I can do this better next time.”

My prayer today is that as I find the strength to ask God to grant me grace in dealing with myself, that you also find that grace. May we find the grace to forgive God for not giving us life as we pictured it and may we find the grace to forgive ourselves for the negative ways we respond when life gets hard.

Amen! =D

Throw Open the Door

“By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us… We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand – out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace & glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.” (Romans 5:1-2; MSG, para.)

Romans 5:2 is one of my favorite verses. I love the imagery and I love the message. Today as I consider the peace I find in stepping into willingness and saying, “Okay, God,” I can’t help but think of this verse. The more I open my mind to allow God to work however he will – even if it doesn’t look how I think I want it to look – the more I realize he continues to set me free. When I stop being stubborn and remove the barriers I’ve set between myself and God’s will, I throw open my door to him. And there he is, smiling, saying, “I’m glad you came around. Just wait and see what we’re going to do together now.”

Just wait and see.

Yesterday, as I stepped into willingness concerning some present stressful circumstances (the stress all completely manifested by me, mind you), I felt less negatively overwhelmed by not knowing what to do and more positively overwhelmed with knowing I have options and there are things I can do if I am willing. Open mind, open heart, open door to God. And following my release of the white knuckle grip I had on the situation, I began to receive affirmation in many different ways, which confirmed for me that I am indeed stepping into God’s will with this issue. Imagine that!

Just wait and see.

Actively participating in a twelve-step program often means being willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean & sober. This often includes getting out of our comfort zones, doing things we don’t feel like doing and going the extra mile when we think we’ve run as far as we can. Our very lives depend on it. Stepping into the will of God shouldn’t be any different. Am I willing to do whatever it takes to live the life he designed for me? Even though at times it may mean troubles, discomfort, pain, distress or struggle? God, give me the strength to say, “Yes,” every time.

“There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary – we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!” (Romans 5:3-5; MSG)

Just wait and see.

My prayer today is that as I find freedom by throwing my door open to God and willingly stepping into whatever he will do with me next that you also find the courage to remove the things between you and that door. What is God calling you to do today? Push aside those barriers, open the door and gaze into his radiant, smiling face as he opens his arms and says, “I’m glad you came around. Just wait and see what we’re going to do together now.”

Amen! =D

Working for What?

“People leave this world no better off than when they came. All their hard work is for nothing—like working for the wind. Throughout their lives, they live under a cloud—frustrated, discouraged, and angry.” (Ecclesiates 5:16-17; NLT)

It is safe to say that money is the number one thing that can poke holes in my serenity. Here in this society, money is required for me to make it from day to day – to feed myself, to clothe myself, to keep a roof over my head. Money also is required for education, preparation and relaxation.

I know I am not alone in this. Friends and family members have struggled over the years, some breaking free of money’s crush, others still living under it, and yet others choosing to remain unaware of any issue. With the ups and downs of the economy over the last several years, many of us found ourselves suddenly unemployed, and while God may have graced us with a new job, we carry the burden of debt accumulated while without work. Many who chose to take out school loans over recent years graduated only to be unable to find work adequate to cover the cost of their monthly payments.

And the cost of everything, it seems, continues to go up, up, up, while our paychecks, if we’re blessed enough to have them, stay right where they are.

Spend some time in Ecclesiates and you’ll see the author is very much fed up with our human patterns of existence. Perhaps he saw something similar in his time to what is common today of people working hard just to make ends meet and hardly getting to enjoy the life God gave them because of their constant toiling. He says it’s all for nothing. We can’t take it with us, so there’s no use for hoarding it. We should be enjoying life more, not being so consumed by work and worry.

But what about saving money for retirement? Or emergencies? What about providing for the kids?

Perhaps the main point here is that the author is trying to bring our attention to our fruitless works. Not to tell us to stop working all together, but to consider where our time is spent and how much we trust God to take care of us. In the introduction to Ecclesiates in The Message, Eugene Peterson writes:

“Ecclesiastes actually doesn’t say that much about God; the author leaves that to the other sixty-five books of the Bible. His task is to expose our total incapacity to find the meaning and completion of our lives on our own.” (emphasis mine.)

The primary message coming through in my reflections this Lenten season focuses on my need to rely on God, live into God’s will, and trust that God will provide and take care of all my needs. I’ve even written about how I know that doing exactly that is always the best decision I can make. But, human that I am, it becomes difficult when I sit down in front of the black and red of my budget and wonder how to make it work. How do I know when I’m trying to figure it out or if I’m trying to follow God’s lead? One thing at a time. Plenty of prayer and plenty of trust.

My prayer today is that I continue striving toward God’s will, not my own, even when it comes to my finances. May I trust him with my money and tear down the fears which stand between me and my pure belief that he will provide for all my needs. Lead the way, God, I’m right behind you.

Amen! =D

Radical Change

“God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.”  (Romans 2:4; MSG)

Yesterday, as I was preparing to write, my hand made a double-click which led down a rabbit hole and a few clicks later opened a Pandora’s Box of my past. Buried in folders within folders I came across an old journal of mine. I randomly clicked to a page, then found it difficult to pull away as I read through the rest, seeing old details of my life unfold. Wounds, pain and evidence of the mess I was each is spewed across the pages. It is raw and it was very real for me.

Reading something like that a few years ago would’ve sent me into a downward spiral. Coming face to face with such sadness and struggle, I would’ve gone into “I give up” mode because it would’ve shown me I hadn’t changed and therefore couldn’t change.

But that was before I found the courage to step into total surrender and willingness, throw my hands up and let it all go.

Whenever I tried to ‘fix’ my life by my own plans, I failed. The moment I truly gave it all to God, I found that success was possible. Now, this didn’t mean I didn’t have to do any work. Stepping out in faith and saying, “Okay, God, here it is. Your will, not mine,” does not mean stepping back and waiting for something to happen or waiting for something to change. Saying yes to God means signing up for radical life change – and I certainly play a role in making that change.

Working in surrender and trust yields results. I know I am moving under God’s direction when I receive affirmation and feel the effects of positive change. When I struggle, it might be a good time to stop and check in because chances are I’ve started trying to do things my way again.

Radical life change. It’s a scary thought. It means doing things sometimes which might make others think I’m crazy. It means putting God above all else, which might call for difficult sacrifices. It means possibly not being understood by peers and facing lonely days which require I cling desperately to faith.

Radical life change. It’s turning everything in my world topsy-turvy and buckling in for the ride ahead.

Jesus didn’t come just to forgive us our sins; he came to show us a new way of life, a free life, a fruitful life, a life of love. By his example we are to live our lives – and that’s pretty radical.

My prayer today is that I see where I’ve shied away from some radical changes and let go of my will and also to bask in gratitude for the radical changes God already effected in me.

Amen! =D

Taxes vs. Death

 “Then Jesus said to them, “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s.” (Mark 12:17; NIV)

I started my tax return today. Knowing that I’m not likely to win the lottery to solve financial issues, I jumped into my taxes in hopes of a refund. I was confident that this would be a way God would provide. As I clicked the last button, I felt sick to see that my state return was cancelled out by what I owed to federal.

Generally, I try not to talk dirty or mean about people. I may slip, but I really do try. Except when it comes to the IRS. Especially as it relates to taxes. The words I’ve used to describe how I experience them are profane, but best express how violated I feel time and again by taxes. And I feel like I have no power over them.

After indulging in willful disobedience and consoling myself with food that definitely does not fall under my Lenten dietary commitment, I sat down to write so I didn’t miss the bar on both commitments today. Instantly the story about giving to Caesar popped into my head.

As I prayed and pondered, then picked up and read the verse in its entirety, it hit me square in the face. “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s.” Giving to Caesar is easy. The government tells me I have to pay them money, so I pay it or suffer penalties. Giving to God? Well, I write a lot about how much I take back from God. I’m a thief and re-gifter to God: “Here, take this. No, I want it back. Here it is again. Can I see that for a minute? Please, I don’t want this; take it.”

I also had to look at what I don’t give to God that is God’s. Time, talents, spiritual gifts. I wrote recently that I don’t want to be that girl hiding her light under a bucket,¹ yet I’m standing face to face with a line of buckets under which I hide.

Lent provides me great opportunity to learn about myself and about my God-given work. I know I’m giving to Caesar what is his, but am I giving to God what is God’s? What am I holding back? Why? Honestly, I feel excited to explore this although I know it means hard work ahead.

Right now I’m making a commitment that will require great effort on my part: No more dirty talk about the tax man. God will provide for all my needs so long as I trust him to do so. He’s done it before and he’ll do it again. And as I step into what may be part of that provision, just maybe I will start removing some buckets.

Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s; give to Me what is Mine; trust me to take care of the rest. Look at the birds and the flowers of the field, carefree in my care. How much more do I care for you! You will find all your everyday human concerns will be met.²

My prayer today is for the strength and courage to come out from under my buckets and step in willingness and obedience into the wide-open, wonderful God-life designed specifically for me. May you also find the way out from under your buckets.

Amen! =D

¹ Am I Consistent? See also Matthew 5:14-16

² Mark 12:13-17; Matthew 22:15-22; Matthew 6:25-34/Luke 12:22-34

Wandering Sheep

 “I have wandered away like a lost sheep; come and find me, for I have not forgotten your commands.”   (Psalm 119:176; NLT)

Hang around me a bit and you’ll surely hear me say something like, “Life can’t all happen on the mountaintop; growth happens in the valleys; if life was a plateau then it would be boring.” I’m a firm believer that I cannot know light without darkness just as I cannot know who I am unless I experience who I am not. By this belief, I must go through periods of time where I am not the person I want to be in order to know both who I want to be and who I AM.

Many people often refer to similar experience as desert times or being in the wilderness. It is time that I feel more distant from God, it is harder to hear him, and I feel a little lost. When I am in that place, it seems like no matter how much I think I should know the answers or what I should do to bring myself out of it, nothing works.

It’s beyond frustrating.

More often than not, though, what I find is that God patiently waits through my stubbornness for the moment of beautiful surrender when I throw my hands up and say, “God, I don’t have the answers, I don’t know what to do, I’m giving it to you. Please show me the way.”

I get self-confident when things go well. While self-confidence can be a good thing, it gets troublesome when I start to think I have the answers and attempt to take my life back under my own direction and management. What I need more than self-confidence is God-confidence.¹

A couple of years ago, a chance encounter with an out-of-town visitor led to conversation over coffee. The discussion primarily revolved around God even though she was not a believer. She met me with opposition at every turn until finally she voiced what bothered her most about our dialogue. With her voice agitated and slightly raised, she blurted out, “You can’t just totally let go and let God. The idea of total surrender is absurd. It can’t be done!” As I let her words settle in the air between us, a smile crept across my face as I calmly said, “Actually, it can. It was the best thing I ever did. It saved my life.”

Then things got good and even though I was thanking and praising God at every turn, I began to forget I needed to continue surrendering to him.

This is a cycle of my life. There is no better indicator that I’ve tried to take over than when things start to feel like they are getting out of control. If I find myself worrying, I’m probably not surrendering. I’ve wandered away. God is there, I know he’s there, but I’ve wandered over to the edge of the pasture, or perhaps just outside the gate, or, if I’m being really stubborn, well past the gate and off into the forest.

Knowing my mistake, I turn my face upward and admit what I’ve done. Then I ask for help. “I’ve wandered away. Please come find me.”

God wants me to completely rely on him. He wants me to trust him implicitly. Sometimes that means he’s going to let me make mistakes until I consciously recognize and admit what I’ve done and then earnestly seek his passionate love and care.

My prayer today is that I find where I’m trying to direct my life and then let it go. God’s got this.

Amen! =D

¹ “Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence.” (1 Corinthians 10:12; MSG)

Thought This was the Line for the Teacups

“Right now I am storm-tossed. And what am I going to say? ‘Father, get me out of this’? No, this is why I came in the first place. I’ll say, ‘Father, put your glory on display’.” (John 12:27-28a; MSG)

I’m pretty sure I didn’t voluntarily stand in line for the roller coaster I’ve been on recently.

Except that I did. The moment I prayed, “Your will, not mine,” I signed up. And every moment after, when amidst the prayers for grace, serenity, peace, and rest I earnestly lifted it all up to God and said, “It’s yours,” I got back in line.

God is the master planner, the principal architect, the one with the knowledge and tools to put my life together the best way it can be. Good thing, too, for his design is far better than mine ever could’ve been. My last entry, Cup is full..., was all about giving that truth a nod.

So following that writing, I got back in line to ride again.

Just after I received amazing, life-changing news (God working out those plans I of which I couldn’t have dreamed), I discovered mold in my apartment. My couch in the living room sat against the wall shared with the building’s laundry machines. At some point, some time ago, the washer leaked and mold began to grow on my side of the wall. (Completely unbeknownst to me, as I hadn’t moved the couch in the year and a half I’ve lived here.) It had been growing long enough that it had grown into my couch. My couch, my dear friend with whom I spent my evenings, where I ate, worked on my laptop, watched entirely too much TV, napped and occasionally slept.

I renewed my lease and they offered to have my carpets cleaned. Looking at my apartment I thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice to rearrange the furniture after they clean the carpet? It’ll be like a new place to go with the new life.” I think I knew I needed it. I also needed to do a serious spring cleaning and de-clutter.  I moved my couch to vacuum underneath and there it is. Mold. Dark, toxic mold. The kind of mold which, seeing as much as I could see of it and as dark as it was, likely expanded out from the visible spots exponentially.

Funny how God works.

I’m very allergic to mold. Suddenly, what I thought was a worsening of my asthma with age stood explained. The seeming ineffectiveness of allergy pills? Clarified. There was no amount of “cleaning” or “fixing” the issue with which I was comfortable. I had to move.

During the moving process I ran into trial after issue after unpleasant situation. Trip after trip in and out to the car, up and down the stairs... No time to pack in an organized fashion, just get the stuff out and get it out fast! And move it up stairs. (There’s a reason why I’ve lived on the first floor for the last ten years.)

Within a few days of being in the new place, I felt so much better. I could breathe easier, my allergies were more in check, I didn’t feel as fatigued. And you know what? I like being on the second floor now because I love having my windows open and I feel safer doing so when not on the ground floor. Though the apartment is the exact same layout, I’ve rearranged the furniture for a different set-up, so it feels new. The big, bulky couch is gone, and as I look at how I am de-cluttering in this major spring cleaning that took its form in haphazard moving, I just want to get rid of more. (I wrote about this in August – we can see how quickly I accomplished the task on my own!)

God’s plans are better. At first I resisted. On the phone with my mom after I found the mold, all I could utter was, “The absolute last thing I want to do is move.” But I didn’t have a choice. God made the choice for me. Fresh starts – new job, new home...  Things come in threes, so what came next?

I got back in line and then strapped in for the next big obstacle that hit me full-force as the move neared completion.

God, I know you go before me in all things and that you are with me through all things. Please help me remember always to find the joy in your divine design and not fall into bitterness or discontent. You prove time and time again that you do a far better job with my life than I do, so now and always (though I’ll forever have to renew), I place my life in your hands. Your will, not mine.

Amen! :D

But I Want It Now

Romans 5:3-4

“We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.”  (MSG, italics mine)

I’ve never been one to be good with patience.  At least, not the waiting kind.  I can have the patience of a saint when it comes to dealing with an unruly child, but make me wait on something and I won’t have any fingernails left. 

There’s a particular area of my life I constantly try to take back from God.  Why?  Because I get tired of waiting.  I get impatient.  In spite of the fact that I have plenty of evidence that my doing so causes more trouble, I continue to give it up, take it back, give it up, take it back...   I know God sits there and shakes his head, maybe doing an occasional facepalm when I really botch things up by trying to take over.

Just last night we talked about it, God and I, and I expressed to him my frustration.  “You made me, you know I need this, please!”  Right?  I need it.  Says who?  Me?

What I do need right now is to turn it around and develop that passionate patience.  God has placed a situation in my life where lack of patience in this area could really cause me some trouble.  Lacking the patience I definitely will not forge my steel of virtue and I’ll get so caught up in my mess that I certainly won’t be alert to what God is doing. 

And I know, in the end, that is why I need to be patient and wait until the time is right anyway.  With this particular issue I am prone to be completely distracted from God if I am not ready when it comes.  He knows this.  He knows I need to be stronger in him before I can have these other things come into my life.

In the verse that follows, Paul points out that in developing this patience and living in alert expectancy we will never be left feeling “shortchanged.  Quite the contrary – we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives by the Holy Spirit!” (Rom. 5:5 MSG)

That is where my focus should be: on all the blessings God constantly pours into my life.

Lord, grant me patience and help me to look at the blessings, not at what I think is missing.

Amen!  :D

Somewhere Between Planting and Harvest

James 5:7-8, 10-11

“You see farmers do this all the time, waiting for their valuable crops to mature, patiently letting the rain do its slow but sure work.  Be patient like that.  Stay steady and strong.” James 5:7b-8a (MSG)

I grew up with farms as neighbors, in a state covered with farmland, with farmers in my family, and kids in farming families at school.  I watched fields rotate corn, soybeans, cattle, and seasons where nothing was planted.  Farmers must know their land and how to work it in order to provide for their families and for the rest of us who go to the grocery store hoping for food to put in our stomachs. 

Farmers are dependent on the weather, which requires much patience.  My dad, who lives on a farm, updates me on how things are going both at planting and harvest time.  This year it rained so much through the spring that the farmers couldn’t get the crops out until much later than usual.  Then the weather became too dry, then too wet again...  It has been a rough farming season in the Midwest. 

But, like the old prophets, the farmers keep going.  “They put up with anything, went through everything, and never once quit...”  They have to – their lives depend on it.  And if they don’t keep going, we don’t keep eating.

James references Job’s trials and how God brought it all together for him at the end.  So, too, it is, when I work not for myself, but for God, striving to do his will and sticking it out with him through every trial, every test, every bad day, every good day, and so on. 

Even now, as I have gotten more distracted and side-tracked, too new to this whole completely trusting in God and not worrying thing not to take on human concerns, God is pulling it together for me.  Today it was as if he said to me, “Look, you know I’m in control.  Just let go and do what I am telling you to do.  Stop trying to pull it together yourself, even if you’re only trying a little.  I’ve got this.  Just do what I tell you.” 

So I am going to try much, much harder and pray all the more on my surrendering power and my ability to let go and let God and do what he tells me, “Because God cares, cares right down to the last detail.” James 5:11b (MSG) 

He’s got this.  I’ve just got to find my inner farmer and wait for God to make this crop mature, patiently letting his rain do its slow but sure work in me.  Steady and strong.

Amen!  :D

Don't Bruise the Word

James 4:1-12, 5:9

This goes hand in hand with gossip, but there’s a key component James includes in this instruction: “It’s God’s Word, his Message, his Royal Rule, that takes a beating in that kind of talk.  You’re supposed to be honoring the Message, not writing graffiti all over it,” James 4:11b (MSG)

As a Christian, I set an example by the way I live – the way I speak, the way I act, etc.  If I proclaim to try to love like Christ, then talk badly about someone, it only reinforces the hypocrisy which riddles Christianity and religion as it is.  Not to mention, as James says in 5:9, surely far worse things could be said about me.

Why do I complain or speak poorly about others?  Usually because they irritate me.  Sometimes it may simply be that my personality and theirs are not compatible.  Most of the time, if I really examine why someone irritates me or why I feel the need to share that irritation with others, I find that it comes back to me thinking I know how she should live her life. 

God has a plan for everyone, and I need to remember that.  Others may not think I’m doing what I should be doing, but I know that God is working in me.  I must extend that understanding to others when I am tempted to pass judgment. 

This is no easy task, especially when I see a loved one in conflict and I think I know what she could do to ease her struggling.  It is not my job to come up with her answers.  I may offer advice based on my own experience, but after that, I give it to God.  In no way should I think I’m right or that I know best.  How she comes through something may be completely different than how I would.

So yet again I will work to be careful in my speech, particularly when it comes to commentary on others’ lives.  If it isn’t helpful – and it usually isn’t – I don’t need to say it.  I will pray and lift up those in the midst of troubles instead of telling them and everyone else what they’re doing wrong and how I know how to fix it.

Amen!  :D 

Why Can't I Just Flip a Switch?

James 1:5-8

“If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father.  He loves to help. ... Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought.” James 1:5a, 6a (MSG)

So many times I have asked for help, yet not really expected to receive it.  Did I know God could do it?  Sure did!  Did I think he’d do it for me?  Sure didn’t.

I believed in the power of God.  I believed in the power of prayer.  And for a short time, I even believed it could work in my life.  But then my world fell to pieces again, and I feared that believing God would do anything for me would only set me up to be let down.  While I had experienced plenty of good things in my life, mostly what I felt was pain, disappointment, and abandonment.

So in my darkest hours, I couldn’t find the light.  In great desperation, all I could pray was, “God, help me,” but I didn’t really believe he would.  Because if I really believed he would and then he didn’t, there truly would be no hope left at all.  Better to ask and not expect to receive than to ask, believe, and be left in the dark anyway. 

“But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt.” James 1:6a (NIV) 

Doubt.  Defined as: 1) to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe; 2) to distrust; 3) Archaic. to fear; be apprehensive about.  (Dictionary.com)

Uncertainty, hesitation, fear...  Distrust.  Having doubts about God is the number one way to prove I do not trust him.  I do not trust that he will provide.  I do not trust that he will catch me if I fall.  I do not trust that he will ever pull me out of my darkness into his light.  I couldn’t believe because to believe was to have hope, and to have hope meant opening myself up to the possibility of being hurt.  And I hurt enough as it was.

The thing is, truly trusting God and believing he will do all of those things listed above, even in the midst of trying times, takes the weight of the world off of my shoulders.  God will do what I cannot do, and there is a lot that I cannot do.  Surrendering to him and his will for my life, spending a great deal of time in prayer, meditation, and the Good Book makes life a lot less difficult to live, even when it still brings pain.

So I’ll keep earnestly believing.  I will keep trusting, I will continue to lift my hands high, and I will walk in his light.

“If you walk in darkness, you don’t know where you’re going.  As you have the light, believe in the light.  Then the light will be within you, and shining through your lives.  You’ll be children of light.”  John 12:35b, 36 (MSG)

Amen!  :D

Even if You're Not an Addict...

Ephesians 4:17-32

This nice little chunk of scripture really identifies with what I've learned and know I need to work toward to stay stong in recovery.  I must change my way of life.  The old things have to go.  I hear it a lot in the rooms and heard it in treatment: People, places and things.  I have to change up my people, places and things in order to make a clean break with my old way of life.  Walk away from unhealthy people, avoid old hangouts or places likely to put my recovery in danger, and get rid of my bad habits that helped keep me in my misery.

"Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything - and I do mean everything - connected with that old way of life has to go."  Eph 4:21-22 (MSG)

I can see Paul standing at the front of a room full of addicts on this one.  He says we have to get rid of the old, bad stuff and take on a new way of life, a new life in God.  And now that we know, we can't just hide the toolbox and say we didn't know how to handle a situation. 

Many of us previously led a life full of lies, whether they were lies to get what we wanted, lies to hide our problems, or lies for any other reason.  Paul's instructions are clear: "No more lies ... tell the truth." Eph 4:25 (MSG)  Paul even tells us it's okay to be angry, but emphasizes that we shouldn't let our anger control us or use it for negative purposes.  And this is the passage from which the saying, "Don't go to bed angry," comes.  The Message uses those exact words.  Other versions of the bible say not to let the sun go down on our anger.  I don't remember exactly when I took strong hold of this advice, but it makes a big difference in how I wake up in the morning if I've gone to bed while still stewing on an issue instead of letting it go or resolving it before the night is over.

And I see him at the head of the room in a treatment center, telling us we don't have to live the way we used to live anymore.  For those who stole, "Well, no more!  Get an honest job..."  Eph 4:28 (MSG)  For those who have resentments, rage, or used violence to solve problems, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice."  Eph 4:31 (NIV)  And to all of us, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other [as you have been forgiven]."  Eph 4:32 (NIV)

Great advice - regardless of whether I'm an addict, an alcoholic, a gambler, a cheater, an abuser, or simply a human being.  After all, I don't have to struggle with addiction to be a thief.  I don't have to be an abuser to have rage.  I don't have to be an alcoholic to have resentments.  I don't have to be a drug dealer to use violence.  I don't have to have any special, labeled problems or disorders at all to see that things in my life need to change, that I need to shed my skin and grow into a new life.

Being human, I am fallible and prone to make mistakes.  I will, inevitably, try to take control of my life back here and there, and I will make wrong decisions.  Good thing for me that God has mercy on me, forgives me, and continues to cover me in his Grace.

Amen!  :D

I Think You Should Read This. It Would Be Good For You.

Romans 14:13-23

I need to take note of the first verse in this reading: "Forget about deciding what's right for each other." Rom. 14:13a (MSG) 

In the past, I've all too often decided what I think someone else should be doing.  I'd get frustrated when they wouldn't take my advice or change their behavior.  I actually caused myself a lot of stress over some - most noteably my ex.  Even long after we broke up I still thought I knew better than she did how she should live her life.  I could have avoided so many headaches if I only had focused on myself and let her sort out her own stuff.  Arguments would have been far less frequent, and my blood pressure would have stayed consistently normal. 

Now that I am learning to focus on myself and my own behavior with biblical help and by listening in the rooms of Al-Anon and at Celebrate Recovery meetings, my life can be much simpler.  At the end of that first verse it says, "...don't get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is." Rom. 14:13b (MSG)  So true!

The rest of the reading uses food as an example since different religious sects at the time were particular about what should or should not be eaten, but the point is the same.  "So let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other.  Help others with encouraging words; don't drag them down by finding fault."  Rom. 14:19 (MSG)

Amen!  :D