“Whenever someone has a ready heart
for this, the insights and understandings flow freely.” (Matthew 13:12; MSG)
By far, one of the more difficult things for me to trust in
this faith life is whether a message/thought/idea comes from God. In the past I
lived in my own world in my head coming up with grand ideas and creating situations and relationships that
often were not real. And when I would venture to pursue something I thought I’d
perceived, I’d end up getting hurt or looking like a fool. Back then, if you
gave me a crumb, I’d turn it into an entire shop full of baked goods.
I understand a lot of it was escapism. The world in my head
provided a break from what I knew as a dark reality. In my head people liked
me, I had friends, love was possible. In the world people bullied me, betrayed
me, cheated on me. In my head I could be happy. In the world I saw no way out
of my pain.
In this faith life my reality is very different. I am very
different. When I find myself trying to escape into my head these days it is
usually because I am avoiding a task God has given me that I do not want to do. And it is consistently
fear-based.
The rational part of me knows that, with God, I have nothing
to fear. But I am human. In my avoidance of his request, I begin to doubt, and
I question whether or not it came from him or if I’ve made it up in my head. In
my heart, I usually know the answer. But there were a few times I escaped into
my head launching off the very thing God gave me to do and therefore completely
and totally convoluted the whole matter. The last time it happened I had myself worked
into such a frenzy that I teetered on that old edge of self-destruction, nearly
ruining a lot of good things I’ve got going in my life.
All because I couldn’t trust God because I didn’t
want to accept something he put in my path.
My resistance, not the thing’s existence, was the source of
my turmoil.
So now I find myself rolling down a similar, yet far less
devastating snowy hill as I hem and haw over what he asked me to do. Because
I’m worried about me. I got far
enough into my head about it that I began to question my motives and if this
really is a task from God. Yet I know, and I knew the moment he said it, that
it came from him. Imagine how much time I’d save and trouble I’d miss if I followed through in the beginning! The fruit I daily see in doing just that is
amazing...
So why do I still fight?
I’m human. This faith life is still pretty new to me. This
trusting God, receiving his messages and honestly striving to live in his will
thing is still pretty new. When I stopped and earnestly prayed about this
situation, an answer came. Still, I doubted. So I opened the bible and God
handed me Matthew 13:10-17.
As always, if I am listening, he speaks.
“But you have God-blessed eyes –
eyes that see! And God-blessed ears – ears that hear!” (Matthew 13:16; MSG)
My prayer tonight is that I will seek to take this action
the moment I feel any doubt or fear about something God has placed on my heart.
Pray. Pick up the bible. Pray some more. Do.
Amen! :D
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