God and Donuts

“Only take care, son of man, that you don’t rebel like these rebels. Open your mouth and eat what I give you.” (Ezekiel 2:8, MSG)

This morning I ate six donuts. After the sixth, I got a spoon and scraped the sugary, oily glaze off the bottom of the empty box. Doing this broke several of the commitments I’ve made to God and to myself regarding food & nutrition, and already I can feel the unpleasant side effects starting to take shape. It is safe to say I am not at my spiritually (or physically) healthiest this morning.

The part of me that likes to make excuses says, “Well, eating six donuts certainly is preferable to drinking or putting other mind-altering substances in my body. God can forgive this.” Perhaps this is true. After all, God forgives everything. But getting down to the bottom of it, I didn’t need to eat the donuts at all. It was a cop-out, a diversion, and in its own way, abuse of a mind-altering substance. How about that? Donuts are a mind-altering substance. A lot of food can be. Especially for people like me who struggle with various forms of food addiction and eating disorders.

With all of the spiritual, therapeutic and programmatic tools I have for addressing and dealing with stress and difficult situations, why did I feel the need to plow through a box of donuts? It’s worth examining. Was it rebellion? An act out of anger at the situation presenting as the stressor? Was it simply not having the energy to exercise impulse control?

From the moment I made the conscious decision to get in the car to go buy donuts, I knew it was a bad idea. With every bite of each of the six donuts, I hated what I was doing. The act also brought to light an interesting revelation: eating the donuts opened a door for self-loathing and flagellation, things which now I strive to avoid doing, but once defined a comfortable misery in which I lived. Yet another indicator of an unhealthy spiritual condition. Being hard on myself is easier than being hard on anyone else.

So why did I do it? I honestly believe it comes back to rebellion. Given that I knew what I was doing with every step and bite I took, I have to believe it was rebellion. I’ve seen how well I’ve managed the impulse control recently with food, so I really don’t feel I can blame it on that. It was rebellion. I was unhappy with how a situation presented itself and, in anger, I ate donuts at God. I did not eat and enjoy them with God or bless God for them or bless them as gifts from God; I ate them in open defiance, eating them at him. As with anything that happens in that manner, though, I only harmed myself.

Withholding forgiveness and giving into certain temptations can bring about the same result. We get angry with a spouse, so we drink to get back at him, yet we harm ourselves. We get angry with a sister, so we stop talking to her to get back at her, yet we harm ourselves. We get upset about something at work, so we take it out on others in our job, yet we harm ourselves.

There is a quote I’ve heard repeated several times that says, “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Well, not forgiving God is like eating six consecutive donuts and waiting for him to feel sick, get bloated, experience a sugar crash and not fit into his jeans.

It’s okay to get angry with God. What’s not okay is to cause harm to myself or others because I don’t like how life came at me on any particular day. What’s not okay is forsaking working toward being a healthier me because I’m upset about something. I am human; I will fall. But every time I recognize my fall, I have the opportunity to turn my face upward, reach out my hands and say, “Okay, that was dumb. Please help me get up and please show me how I can do this better next time.”

My prayer today is that as I find the strength to ask God to grant me grace in dealing with myself, that you also find that grace. May we find the grace to forgive God for not giving us life as we pictured it and may we find the grace to forgive ourselves for the negative ways we respond when life gets hard.

Amen! =D

Throw Open the Door

“By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us… We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand – out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace & glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.” (Romans 5:1-2; MSG, para.)

Romans 5:2 is one of my favorite verses. I love the imagery and I love the message. Today as I consider the peace I find in stepping into willingness and saying, “Okay, God,” I can’t help but think of this verse. The more I open my mind to allow God to work however he will – even if it doesn’t look how I think I want it to look – the more I realize he continues to set me free. When I stop being stubborn and remove the barriers I’ve set between myself and God’s will, I throw open my door to him. And there he is, smiling, saying, “I’m glad you came around. Just wait and see what we’re going to do together now.”

Just wait and see.

Yesterday, as I stepped into willingness concerning some present stressful circumstances (the stress all completely manifested by me, mind you), I felt less negatively overwhelmed by not knowing what to do and more positively overwhelmed with knowing I have options and there are things I can do if I am willing. Open mind, open heart, open door to God. And following my release of the white knuckle grip I had on the situation, I began to receive affirmation in many different ways, which confirmed for me that I am indeed stepping into God’s will with this issue. Imagine that!

Just wait and see.

Actively participating in a twelve-step program often means being willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean & sober. This often includes getting out of our comfort zones, doing things we don’t feel like doing and going the extra mile when we think we’ve run as far as we can. Our very lives depend on it. Stepping into the will of God shouldn’t be any different. Am I willing to do whatever it takes to live the life he designed for me? Even though at times it may mean troubles, discomfort, pain, distress or struggle? God, give me the strength to say, “Yes,” every time.

“There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary – we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!” (Romans 5:3-5; MSG)

Just wait and see.

My prayer today is that as I find freedom by throwing my door open to God and willingly stepping into whatever he will do with me next that you also find the courage to remove the things between you and that door. What is God calling you to do today? Push aside those barriers, open the door and gaze into his radiant, smiling face as he opens his arms and says, “I’m glad you came around. Just wait and see what we’re going to do together now.”

Amen! =D

Room Full of Boxes

“From the ends of the earth I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you are my refuge.” (Psalm 61:2-3; NLT/NIV)

When life gets overwhelming, I like to use my “Room Full of Boxes” analogy. I came up with this analogy during a particularly difficult move. I got all of my things moved into my new home and unpacked the essentials, then left most of my stuff in boxes in the spare room and closed the door. Every time I opened the door and saw all the boxes, I felt overwhelmed. For months, my response was to close the door and pretend the room did not exist.

Finally, one day, I summoned my courage, breathed a prayer, opened the door and pulled out one box. After that, one box at a time, I finished unpacking.

Life is a room full of boxes. At any given time, I have boxes to unpack. They may be work boxes, family boxes, financial boxes, relationship boxes... When I get stressed and feel like I’m in a situation where several decisions need to be made at once, I want to close the door. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know where to start, I don’t want to do it, so I’ll just ignore it.

The problem is that closing the door to the room full of boxes doesn’t make the boxes go away. Neither does ignoring or delaying addressing issues that present themselves in my life. The more I resist, the harder it becomes, the more overwhelmed I feel.

It can be crippling.

So how do I combat the room full of boxes? The first thing I do is acknowledge it. Acknowledging the situation(s) making me feel overwhelmed takes away some their power. The second thing I do, when I stop being stubborn and willful, is to give it to God. “God, I feel overwhelmed. Here is my situation. I feel a little lost and like I don’t know where to start. Please calm my soul and show me the way.” Then I open the door and ask God to help me see one box at a time.

It is freeing.

“Do you not know or have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.” (Isaiah 40:28-29; NAB/NLT)

If you find you are battling a room full of boxes today, feeling overwhelmed, lost and like you don’t know where to start, invite God to the doorway. As you stand together in front of the closed door, tell God about the room. Tell him about the boxes and what’s in them, then tell him about your heart and where your mind is. Take a few moments of quiet to feel him as he smiles at you and places his hands on you, reassuring you. Then, with his loving care surrounding you, take a deep breath, open the door, and reach for the first box.

My prayer today is that I invite God to my room full of boxes, trusting that he alone can show me where to start, trusting that he can help me unpack my boxes, trusting that he can give me strength to finish unpacking. God you are good and the source of all things good. I give my room full of boxes and my weary, burdened heart to you. Thank you for your endless mercy and grace, and your patience with me when I choose to be stubborn in following your lead.

Amen! =D

Working for What?

“People leave this world no better off than when they came. All their hard work is for nothing—like working for the wind. Throughout their lives, they live under a cloud—frustrated, discouraged, and angry.” (Ecclesiates 5:16-17; NLT)

It is safe to say that money is the number one thing that can poke holes in my serenity. Here in this society, money is required for me to make it from day to day – to feed myself, to clothe myself, to keep a roof over my head. Money also is required for education, preparation and relaxation.

I know I am not alone in this. Friends and family members have struggled over the years, some breaking free of money’s crush, others still living under it, and yet others choosing to remain unaware of any issue. With the ups and downs of the economy over the last several years, many of us found ourselves suddenly unemployed, and while God may have graced us with a new job, we carry the burden of debt accumulated while without work. Many who chose to take out school loans over recent years graduated only to be unable to find work adequate to cover the cost of their monthly payments.

And the cost of everything, it seems, continues to go up, up, up, while our paychecks, if we’re blessed enough to have them, stay right where they are.

Spend some time in Ecclesiates and you’ll see the author is very much fed up with our human patterns of existence. Perhaps he saw something similar in his time to what is common today of people working hard just to make ends meet and hardly getting to enjoy the life God gave them because of their constant toiling. He says it’s all for nothing. We can’t take it with us, so there’s no use for hoarding it. We should be enjoying life more, not being so consumed by work and worry.

But what about saving money for retirement? Or emergencies? What about providing for the kids?

Perhaps the main point here is that the author is trying to bring our attention to our fruitless works. Not to tell us to stop working all together, but to consider where our time is spent and how much we trust God to take care of us. In the introduction to Ecclesiates in The Message, Eugene Peterson writes:

“Ecclesiastes actually doesn’t say that much about God; the author leaves that to the other sixty-five books of the Bible. His task is to expose our total incapacity to find the meaning and completion of our lives on our own.” (emphasis mine.)

The primary message coming through in my reflections this Lenten season focuses on my need to rely on God, live into God’s will, and trust that God will provide and take care of all my needs. I’ve even written about how I know that doing exactly that is always the best decision I can make. But, human that I am, it becomes difficult when I sit down in front of the black and red of my budget and wonder how to make it work. How do I know when I’m trying to figure it out or if I’m trying to follow God’s lead? One thing at a time. Plenty of prayer and plenty of trust.

My prayer today is that I continue striving toward God’s will, not my own, even when it comes to my finances. May I trust him with my money and tear down the fears which stand between me and my pure belief that he will provide for all my needs. Lead the way, God, I’m right behind you.

Amen! =D

Stay With It.

 “Stay with it – that’s what is required. Stay with it to the end. You won’t be sorry; you’ll be saved.” (Matthew 24:13; Mark 13:13; Luke 21:19; MSG)

Ever been in a place where you wonder if it’s all worth it? Feel like staying in bed or going far away from everything are better options than continuing in your day to day life?

I know that place. I know those feelings.

As a survivor of a severe chronic depression that plagued me for twenty years, I am all too familiar with feeling like life simply isn’t worth it. In ways both active and passive, I sought to end my life on many occasions. The most familiar feeling for me was that of being trapped; somewhere inside I knew I didn’t really want to die, but I knew I really didn’t want to go on living.

It was a very dark, lonely and hopeless world. By the end I looked for any way to escape my pain I could find, which only exacerbated and worsened my fear and hopelessness. I couldn’t understand why God, who I knew loved me, would allow me to hurt so badly for so long.

The thing is, I didn’t trust him. I didn’t trust him to heal me. I didn’t think I was worth it. Even when I cried out, “God, help me!” I didn’t really think he would. No matter how often I went to church, no matter how much scripture I read, no matter how many prayers I prayed, I was simply too afraid to believe God would really help me.

I was simply too afraid to believe God would really help me.

Fear is such a manipulative beast. When fear grips me, I can become paralyzed and forget the strength I have in my Great Creator. I can forget that though I am less than a grain of sand in the infinite Glory of God, he cares about me personally. He loves me and wants to help me and asks only that I turn, face him, open my heart and trust him.

Within our small human frame of reference, it is easy to ascribe human attributes to God. This makes it difficult to see how a being can truly love freely and unconditionally, and be always forgiving, gracious and merciful. This also makes it easy to compare God to people in our lives, including people who let us down, break promises, hurt us and cause us pain. Thank God, God is not human.

God is so much bigger. He’s so much bigger than all our worry, all our doubt – and all our fear.

God. Is. Bigger.

Pick up the Good Book and flip through the Gospels a little bit. You’re sure to run across at least one of many verses which find Jesus saying, “Courage, do not be afraid.”¹ Time and time again he reassures those who tremble in fear, those who do not feel worthy, the outcast, downcast and downtrodden. Time and time again, he lifts them up and encourages them.

He wants to do that for you and me, too. Take a deep breath and allow yourself for a moment to be transported back to the time when Jesus walked the earth. He walks through your town amidst a throng of admirers as you watch from the sidelines. In the one brief moment that your desperation to be free from your pain finally is greater than any fear, you find yourself suddenly in the throng, pushing past people, bending down and fighting through the crowd to get to Jesus. “If only I can get near him,” you think, “I can be healed.” You come up behind him and boldly reach for him, brushing his clothes. Instantly you feel different, you feel changed. As he turns toward you, you prepare to be humiliated in front of the crowd for wanting to get so close to Jesus. Instead, it grows quiet. You look up into his eyes and he smiles the kindest smile you’ve ever seen. He touches your chin and gently raises you up. “You took a risk and trusted me. Now you are healed and whole. Live well, live blessed.”²

Stay with it. Stay with it to the end. It’s worth it, trust me. There is hope and there is light. I find mine in the Sweet Soul I follow with all my heart, my Jesus, who calls me beloved and friend. I find mine in God who is bigger than anything and everything, who made all things seen and unseen. I find mine in a faith that finally allows me to trust, even when life gets hard here on this earth.

My prayer today is for those of you who struggle with darkness, hopelessness and despair. May you find peace and comfort and freedom from your fear. May you live well and live blessed, and find yourselves healed and whole.

Amen.

¹ Matthew 10:26, 28, 31; 14:27; 17:7; 28:5, 10

Mark 5:36; 6:50

Luke 5:10; 8:50; 12:4, 7, 32;

John 6:20 12:15; 14:27

I’ve only listed some Gospel verses here (likely not comprehensive, so go flip through the book to find more!), but many, many more verses of God reassuring us and telling us not to fear, to have courage because he is with us pepper the whole Bible throughout, Old Testament and New. :)

² Mark 5:25-34; Luke 8:43-48; Matthew 9:20-22

Spiritual or Worldly?

"The unspiritual self, just as it is by nature, can't receive the gifts of God's Spirit. There's no capacity for them. Spirit can be known only by spirit - God's Spirit and our spirits in open communion."  
(1 Corinthians 2:14; MSG)

In my limited experience from this corner of society, on the whole we are not concerned with spiritual matters. We are materialistic consumers who want what we want and we want it now. We are on the go, always busy, not getting enough sleep, not eating right, not spending enough time nurturing ourselves. Go, go, go; work, work, work; do, do, do; spend, spend, spend. We compete for status, trying to keep up with the Jones's possessions, job titles, social circles, piety. Sometimes we compete with the non-conformists, trying to prove that we can conform the least and therefore better than the others.

Even churches and places of worship compete in this world for which denomination (or lack thereof) best exemplifies what it means to be Christian or who lives out the Bible as precisely as possible regardless of inconsistencies. The true meaning of what we claim to believe and follow gets lost and trampled underneath arguments, discord and rivalry.

It is impossible, when wrapped up in all these things, truly to be spiritual. How can I expect to connect openly with God if I'm placing all these other things before him?1 How can I receive what he is so ready and willing to give if I'm too busy trying to get things in this world?2

There is a movement taking place, though, which is pushing more toward the spiritual side of life. Right now it manifests itself in various forms other than religious. A few examples are: Nutrition & fitness self-care, a grassroots effort to move people to healthier eating and living while also taking better care of our God-given planet; Random acts of kindness as a steady trend with an upward swing showing our desire to love our neighbor and make the world a better place; Working for freedom of the expression of love among each other and the different ways that may look in order that we might find harmony.

People yearn for more. We're ready to move out of the desert and stop going in circles around the mountain.3 We are hungry for the spiritual, although it still may seem too taboo among some social groups to admit it. So we move about the undercurrent of acceptable forms of spiritual living, at times completely unaware that what we are doing is exactly that for which God hopes - moving closer to him as we open to our own spirit and in doing so open to God's Spirit. Then, living, breathing and moving together in communion with him, we find our gifts from God.

My prayer today is that I remain focused, not allowing the things of this world to jockey for position with God. In the moments that worry, fear or anything else seek to distract me, I pray for God's wisdom to guide me in righting myself that I may remain open - my spirit and God's Spirit in communion - living and using my gifts to the glory of the Lord.

Amen! =D





1-"Be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do." (James 1:6-8; NLT)
2-"So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give." 
(Hebrews 4:16; MSG)
"What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving." (Matthew 6:31; MSG)
3-"Then we turned around and went back into the wilderness. We worked our way in and around the hills for a long, long time. Then God said, "You've been going around in circles in these hills long enough."
(Deuteronomy 2:1-3; MSG para.)

May I Interrupt?

“Simon Peter, when he saw it, fell to his knees before Jesus. “Master, leave. I’m a sinner and can’t handle this holiness. Leave me to myself.” (Luke 5:8; MSG)

Shortly before this moment, Jesus, in an effort to better teach the eager crowd closing in on him, interrupted Simon in his work and had him put his boat back out in the water. I would like to be able to read of this interaction and the time in-between, but maybe it is better to imagine it...

Simon, James and John spend a long, tiring night out on the lake only to come back empty-handed. They beach their boats and begin the thankless task of washing their large nets. Perhaps they think about how many nights there were like this, how they will provide for their families, when they will finally haul in a good catch. Who knows if they even notice or pay attention to Jesus and his growing crowd?

Then Jesus just climbs right into Simon’s boat. Totally hops in uninvited and then has the nerve to ask Simon to get in, too, and put the boat back out in the water. Simon recognizes Jesus as the man who recently healed his mother-in-law (Luke 4:38-39). Feeling a bit obligated, he complies with Jesus’s request, then sits nearby in the boat while Jesus teaches the masses gathered on the shore.

I can’t help but imagine Simon spent that time in the boat much like many of us do in the pew on Sunday. He catches bits and pieces of what Jesus says, but he is distracted. His mind is on the long night and lack of fish. He thinks about the net he has yet to wash. He knows better than to expect James and John will do it for him since he’s stuck out here with this Jesus character. Simon’s attention is feeble at best as he checks off his mental to-do list and tries to prepare for the coming day.

As Jesus wraps up his sermon, Simon yawns. Jesus turns to him and says, “Push out into deep water and let your nets out for a catch.” (Luke 5:4) Simon thinks, “Is he kidding? Seriously? I didn’t catch anything all night and I already have one net waiting for me to wash on the shore and now he wants me to take the boat out again and toss my clean nets out?” He summons all his courage and patience as he again remembers that Jesus healed his mother-in-law. Half-protesting, half-obedient, Simon does as Jesus asks, sure to point out the clear folly in his request as he threw the nets out. Immediately, the nets fill with fish. So many fish that James and John have to bring their boat out to help haul in the catch.

How often do I find myself in this situation? I’m tired, I’m frustrated, nothing’s going my way, I’m worried about bills, I don’t have enough time, and then – God interrupts. Absolutely no consideration for what I think or feel about it, he tells me to put the boat in the water. Then he talks for awhile and I sit in the boat, yawning and half-heartedly listening as I think about things I need to get done. Then God nudges me and says, “Go deeper.” Somewhat reluctantly, I go. And suddenly I find myself in that place of God’s Abundance, that Romans 5:1-2 promise of the Peace and Grace that come side-by-side with stepping out in faith.

I often feel like Simon Peter, falling to my knees and saying, “I do not deserve this.” Because I know, as Simon knew, that I could’ve done better, listened closer, tried harder, been more willing, etc, etc. The thing is, I never could be “good enough” for God’s Grace. I never could do or say enough to earn his Love. Which is why I am thankful that God’s Grace is freely given. There isn’t a thing I have to do to earn his Love – it is already mine without condition. And no matter how many times I fall, he will pick me up, dust me off and kiss me on the forehead as he says, “I forgive you.” Every time.

So how does Jesus reply when Simon falls to his knees and confesses his feelings of unworthiness?

“Jesus said to Simon, “There is nothing to fear.” (Luke 5:10b)

There is nothing to fear.

With that, Jesus tells Simon, James and John that they will be fishers of men. The three new disciples leave everything – everything – behind and follow Jesus. Because it never really was about the fish, was it?

My prayer today is that I work harder to stay focused on that which God reveals to me. It is so easy to be distracted by the things of this world and my daily life. I pray that I may strengthen my ears to therefore be quicker in perking them up when I hear the voice of my God speaking to me.

Amen!

Why Does God Allow Suffering?

“I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord; my life was an open wound that wouldn’t heal. When friends said, “Everything will turn out all right,” I didn’t believe a word they said.” Psalm 77:2; MSG

Currently I am going through a training course geared toward providing pastoral care in a hospital setting. The course is rooted in the principles of Christian love and Christian care giving. Since it is taught in a hospital that is not faith-based we are challenged to move outside the “Jesus is the answer” box and provide Christian care without invoking the name of Christ out of respect for those whose faith journey follows a different path. This is hard for some, as all of us in the class have testimony to how being a believer has made all the difference in how we cope with and handle the presence of suffering in our lives. It proved an especially challenging exercise given the question we faced in our most recent class: "Why does God allow bad things to happen?"

We were given the week between classes to ponder the question and prepare for discussion. My thoughts on it ranged from answers found in my Christian faith to principles and ideas from Eastern religions, different philosophical musings and the plain ol’, “It is what it is,” ideology. I also asked a lot of people around me to hear their thoughts on the subject. In AA meetings that week I listened a little harder when people shared how they moved through trials and what their varied spiritual experiences were and are.

For the duration of class we carried on a very involved discussion. We covered every range of answers and lack thereof, we explored rebuttals, some shared stories, many shed tears, some struggled with how not to try to lead someone to Jesus or give "cheap grace." One gentleman especially struggled tonight because this coming Saturday is the one-year anniversary of his beloved wife's death. His faith was evident though, as through his tears he continued to give thanks and praise to God and shared how God moved through his wife's illness and death and the growth he experienced as a result. After class he was visibly having a hard time holding it together, so I walked over to give him a hug and he burst into sobs, lifting me off the floor as I hugged him tightly and he cried. I just held onto him for a little bit, then when I sensed his breathing slow, I told him I loved him, gave him an extra squeeze and walked away.

Ultimately, that is what I walked away with from the discussion. I'd gone in having concluded that I have plenty of answers to that question that can be tailored to all different kinds of people, but none is ever sufficient. In those crisis moments, those Psalm 77:1-10 moments, there isn’t really anything anyone can do or say to sufficiently explain suffering in a way that will bring comfort. However, I was unable to resolve that conclusion, thinking, okay, so then what? The lightbulb moment came in listening to everyone, to how much we want to fix people and show them the way, to the reminders from the chaplain that we are in the process, not the results, understanding it's okay not to have all the answers – perhaps the best answer is no answer at all, but a demonstration of Love through the simple act of having the Grace to allow people to be where they are, listening, genuinely caring and unconditionally loving. I believe, as experienced with my classmates and aware of it in myself, that sometimes we get so focused on how we can be of use and what that looks like that we forget to stay in the moment and instead block the incoming flow from the Spirit because we are trying to think our way to the best way rather than just letting God have his way.

I pray today that I may better learn how to let the Holy Spirit move through me, especially in opportunities to allow people to be where they are. May I be an instrument of God not only in my speaking, but even more so in my listening.

Amen!

I’ll Build on the Solid Stuff, Thanks.

I would like to thank a friend who recently started blogging for reminding me how I’ve neglected mine. This weekend while I’m taking time to re-balance my center and quiet the devil trying to knock me off of it, I thought this a good time to revisit my reflections & devotional writing.

“These words I speak to you are not mere additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundation words, words to build a life on.” (Luke 6:47; MSG)

It used to be when I fell out of contact with people that I was isolating myself. Whether I was too depressed, too caught up in one addiction or another, or both, generally I isolated because I believed the lies I told myself that I was nothing more than a waste of space and no one really cared anyway. Often, my tipping point came as a direct result of misplaced focus: putting too much of myself into something that was not guaranteed. It didn’t matter if it was person, place or thing; all were capable of producing the same results. When faced with the disappointment that ultimately comes from such misplaced focus, my response was to play the role of both victim and perpetrator and drive myself deeper into the darkness for awhile.

The problem is that I was building my life on sand.

My Midwestern family often vacationed in cities along the Florida coast. Being landlocked the rest of the year, the beach was one of our favorite things about vacation. Even as a small child who saw the ocean once a year, I quickly figured out that my sand creations would be destroyed by waves if I built them too close to the water. I also remember getting frustrated because the sand was hard to pack firm and often fell in on itself. And should a rogue foot come into contact with it, my masterpiece would quickly and easily crumble.

In my life, however, it took quite a bit longer to figure out the parallel.

I’ve worked hard to improve and strengthen my faith and my relationship with God as well as my life. It makes me happy that, though I might not recall which specific scriptures they are, stuff I’ve read in the Good Book is what comes to mind often as I go throughout my days. For awhile I prayed that praying would come easier to me; now I find I pray almost all the time. My focus is God. I’ve made God my foundation and I’m building my life on his Truth. It’s a much better life, a sturdier life. God is my rock, my root, my guaranteed thing.

God doesn’t let me down, God doesn’t disappoint. If I feel like he has, it probably means I didn’t get something I wanted, or the way I thought I wanted it. When God is my focus, I can take life as it is, not as I think I’d like it to be. With all my trust in God, the people, places and things around me can’t knock me down so easily. With my foundation on God’s solid rock, the devil can kick me as much as he wants, but he will walk away bruised.

So when I feel more susceptible to attack, it’s time to check my focus. If my peace is disturbed around certain people or by what I know to be false perceptions, it’s time to check my focus. If I’m spending more time thinking about peripheral things than meditating on God’s Word and will for my life... it’s time to check my focus. What am I looking at here – God or something else?

The best way to know is to crack the Good Book and see if I’m immersed in the light and living in truth on God’s firm foundation, or if I’ve allowed myself to build on some sand.

“These words I speak to you are not incidental additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundational words, words to build a life on. If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock. Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit – but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock.

But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don’t work them into your life, you are like a stupid carpenter who built his house on the sandy beach. When a storm rolled in and the waves came up, it collapsed like a house of cards.” (Matt. 7:24-27; MSG)

God, I pray that I continue to build my life upon you, that I may be unshakable, fixed to your truth. When the enemy strikes, help me to stand firm as I yell the battle cry, “I will not be moved!”

Amen. :D

Don’t Doubt, Just Do

“Whenever someone has a ready heart for this, the insights and understandings flow freely.” (Matthew 13:12; MSG)

By far, one of the more difficult things for me to trust in this faith life is whether a message/thought/idea comes from God. In the past I lived in my own world in my head coming up with grand ideas and creating situations and relationships that often were not real. And when I would venture to pursue something I thought I’d perceived, I’d end up getting hurt or looking like a fool. Back then, if you gave me a crumb, I’d turn it into an entire shop full of baked goods.

I understand a lot of it was escapism. The world in my head provided a break from what I knew as a dark reality. In my head people liked me, I had friends, love was possible. In the world people bullied me, betrayed me, cheated on me. In my head I could be happy. In the world I saw no way out of my pain.

In this faith life my reality is very different. I am very different. When I find myself trying to escape into my head these days it is usually because I am avoiding a task God has given me that I do not want to do. And it is consistently fear-based.

The rational part of me knows that, with God, I have nothing to fear. But I am human. In my avoidance of his request, I begin to doubt, and I question whether or not it came from him or if I’ve made it up in my head. In my heart, I usually know the answer. But there were a few times I escaped into my head launching off the very thing God gave me to do and therefore completely and totally convoluted the whole matter.  The last time it happened I had myself worked into such a frenzy that I teetered on that old edge of self-destruction, nearly ruining a lot of good things I’ve got going in my life.

All because I couldn’t trust God because I didn’t want to accept something he put in my path.

My resistance, not the thing’s existence, was the source of my turmoil.

So now I find myself rolling down a similar, yet far less devastating snowy hill as I hem and haw over what he asked me to do. Because I’m worried about me. I got far enough into my head about it that I began to question my motives and if this really is a task from God. Yet I know, and I knew the moment he said it, that it came from him. Imagine how much time I’d save and trouble I’d miss if I followed through in the beginning! The fruit I daily see in doing just that is amazing...

So why do I still fight?

I’m human. This faith life is still pretty new to me. This trusting God, receiving his messages and honestly striving to live in his will thing is still pretty new. When I stopped and earnestly prayed about this situation, an answer came. Still, I doubted. So I opened the bible and God handed me Matthew 13:10-17.

As always, if I am listening, he speaks.

“But you have God-blessed eyes – eyes that see! And God-blessed ears – ears that hear!” (Matthew 13:16; MSG)

My prayer tonight is that I will seek to take this action the moment I feel any doubt or fear about something God has placed on my heart. Pray. Pick up the bible. Pray some more. Do.

Amen!  :D

I Heart Hugs From Jesus

“When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.” (Jeremiah 29:12-13; MSG)

As small children, when we fall and scrape a knee or the neighborhood bully teases us, we run to our caretaker. For many, this means mom or dad. For some it may be a grandparent or an older sibling. (Others are not so fortunate to have that someone at all.) We run crying into the outstretched arms of our person, and she hugs us, wipes away our tears, uses her shirt to clean the snot from our faces, and reassures us that everything will be all right. Over time, as we grow, this relationship may change form, but if we are lucky, we can still run into the outstretched arms of someone who loves us dearly.

There were a lot of times in my life when I was really hurting, but didn’t run into anyone’s arms. I was too afraid of being a burden, of worrying someone too much, of bogging someone down with a problem with which I knew no one could help me. The loneliness I caused myself with this thinking was nothing short of stifling. Maybe no one could fix my problem, but I wouldn’t even let anyone be there for me, just to love, support and maybe comfort me.

I know it was a trust issue. I didn’t trust anyone enough to do the right thing. I’d been burned far too many times by most, and when it came to my mom, I didn’t want her to have any more reason to worry about me than she already did. I didn’t trust her ability to handle me sharing my hurt with her.

Is it any wonder that this lack of trust extended to God?

Though I so often fervently and desperately cried out, “God, help me!” I didn’t trust him to do it. I did not let go and trust he would catch me. I did not run into his arms. I did not allow him to hold me or to comfort me. I complained, I shouted and screamed at times, asked the persistent question of “WHY?” without really listening for the answer, or if I heard it, deciding it wasn’t the answer I wanted.

There is a song, The More I Seek You, that is beautiful in its simplicity and imagery of a very real and tangible Jesus. A few months ago at a church women’s retreat, we sang this song several times, and it was then that I realized why it touched me so much.

God is not always presented as a personal, tangible God – which he very much is. And in this chapter of my journey with him, I find that I fall more and more in love with him as he becomes more personal to me. I can close my eyes and see myself running into the arms of my Heavenly Papa, who will hold me and love me, comfort me when I am sad, tell me everything will be okay when I worry, and heal me when I am hurting. I can close my eyes and get a big bear hug from Jesus, walk hand in hand with him on the beach, lie on my back in the grass with him beside me, my best friend.

What changed? Well, for one thing, I trust God now. Even when it’s hard, even when I don’t want to, I trust him. I also actively seek him. I spend time in the Good Book, spend time in meditation, spend time talking to him, hanging out with him, praising him. And he tells me over and over again, “You are my precious child. You belong to me and I love you so very much. I am always right here by your side, with you everywhere you go.”

And the more I trust him, the more I can trust others in my life, too. It is a slow process. I know they will let me down – we are human, it happens. But I feel safer knowing I’ve got God beside me, there to catch me if I am dropped, there to hold me and dry my tears, there to place his healing hand on my hurting heart.

“Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” (Jeremiah 29:13-14; MSG)

My prayer today is that we all can move closer to our God, to know that we absolutely can run into his arms anytime we need or want. His arms are open, outstretched and waiting, and there isn’t a soul he will turn away.

Amen!  :D

Going on the Of[fence]

Ephesians 5:1-2

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious, but extravagant.” (MSG, italics mine)

I do my best to love, I really do. Admittedly, I don’t always like other drivers on the road or people who cause me to have to work harder than necessary, but I really do try to have love in my heart for everyone. I pray daily for God to let me be a channel for his love.

Having love in my heart for everyone is actually rather easy. What I find difficult – and I know I’m not alone in this – is caution vs. extravagance for love in action. Loving in a way I thought extravagant, trying to be like Christ, to give, to be kind, etc, has caused me pain, gotten me into trouble, and brought people into my life in a way I didn’t want them to be there.

I am currently taking some fear-based precautions with a new friendship. Recent events during my wilderness time reinforced these fears and sent me racing to the find my bricks and rebuild my walls, the same walls I’ve constructed over years of undesirable experiences. I tend to succumb to isolation. As much as I want people in my life (I really do), I simply don’t trust them (they make it hard). I am safer being lonely (that’s a lie).

In a conversation about this yesterday, though I realized that I am not doing what I’ve always done. I’m not falling back into old patterns despite the fear that I am.  I feel like I am being cautious, but what I am doing is working to enter this friendship slowly and develop appropriate Boundaries.

There’s a book by that name by Cloud and Townsend that has come up several times recently in unrelated conversations with unconnected people. A sign perhaps? I did a small group study on the book four years ago, but I am in such a vastly different place in my life – a place where I feel I really can set healthy boundaries – that picking it up again might not be a bad idea.

The problem with my old walls is that they are old. They have gaps and holes and cracks in all the wrong places from being torn down and rebuilt time and time again. In the book it refers to boundaries being more like a fence than a wall. A fence protects me, yet is still open. And it has a gate. I can talk to a neighbor over the fence without letting her in. I can walk away from the fence if the neighbor tries to attack me.

My walls, however, keep me closed off. They create an extreme of inside and outside with no intermediate space. People try to break in, and if they try to attack me, I can’t see it coming. I am actually more vulnerable with my solid walls than I would be with an open fence.

I just pulled the book off the bookshelf. I’m going to work on tearing down my walls, one-by-one, and putting a nice fence up in their place.

Now the question is, what do I want my fence to look like?

God, help me pull down these walls and put up a fence. Your hands and mine working together, help me to put each board in its appropriate place and properly locate the gate.

Amen!

Lifted Up

1 Peter 5:10

“The suffering won’t last forever.  It won’t be long before [the God of all grace] this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ – eternal and glorious plans they are! – will have you put together and on your feet for good [will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast].”  (1 Pet. 5:10, MSG [NIV])

I’ve been hanging out in the desert for the past week or so.  I didn’t feel completely disconnected from God, but I knew I wasn’t where he wanted me to be.  He provided for me, then I ran with a couple of things on my own and actually kind of shut him out.  I kept talking to God some, but I wasn’t really listening for any response or direction. 

I’ve written recently about God allowing things to happen in my life for the purpose of teaching me about myself. I also outright prayed for him to break me because I know it can take drastic measures to hammer a point home with me sometimes. 

God was listening.  He watched as I wrote one day about a part of my life I always take back where I needed to learn patience, then watched as less than a week later I had already forgotten and was charging forward on my own. 

The series of events that took place just over this past weekend alone were so perfectly orchestrated to break me in such a precise manner that I was standing on the rim of hell before I lifted my hands high and God picked me up.  In a matter of moments, I went from being a completely and utterly terrified mess to resting in God’s arms, at peace, lighter than I have felt yet.  I could not have looked at the whole situation and seen how many things God was going to use it to heal.  It was impossible to know until it happened just how he was working it all in me. 

I feel God everywhere, but I feel especially connected to him at the beach.  I ended up on an empty beach Sunday evening, which is where this moment of healing took place.  God took me out there, when I had no idea I was even near a beach, and it just so happened to be a beach I have only been to one other time – another time God took me there for healing.

Standing at the water’s edge, I watched the sun set and felt God lift me up as I reached for him.  He restored peace and quiet to my soul, and took yet more things from me that have caused me pain.  I felt a renewed sense of joy, and when I stepped back, I was blown away by how symbolic my footprints in the sand were.  I’ve never had footprints quite like these.  Instead of being imprinted in the sand, they were extruded, almost as evidence of the weight God had lifted from me, evidence that he had lifted me up.

I’m thinking I should hang these footprints up as a reminder.  God’s grace is beyond measure and his mercy never ceases.

Amen!  :D