“Relax, Daniel, don’t
be afraid. From the moment you decided to humble yourself to receive
understanding, your prayer was heard.” (Daniel 10:12; MSG)
I got up on the wrong side of the bed today. I was in good
head space when I went to sleep, but I woke up angry and combative. Never a
great way to start the day.
The day started anyway, and I worked to stop the running
arguments in my head as I went through my usual morning motions. I sent up a
handful of hurried prayers for God to release me. The arguments persisted. I
grabbed a notebook and angrily wrote out about three or four pages of what was
going on in my mind. If it hadn’t been for time, I would’ve written more. As I
threw together my things to hurry out the door for work, I dialed my sponsor in
hopes of releasing some of the tumult. No answer.
Arriving at work, I glossed the subject with a co-worker and
friend in whom I can confide, touching only the basic idea of what had me so afflicted.
He offered some limited perspective and helped by giving me a couple of extra
things to consider. I calmed a bit and began my work day. As I feel tends to
happen when I am already in a state of agitation, several things popped up
just within the first three hours that grated on my raw nerves. Another
co-worker approached and undeservedly received a barrage of angry words about the things that had
irritated me in the past hour.
Knowing I needed to do something to change my attitude, I stepped outside to take a few minutes and pray. The first
thing that came to my mind was the Prayer of St. Francis. Following that, a few
deep breaths in stillness and earnest requests to God to help me seek to be
compassionate and understanding. Opening my eyes I picked up my Bible and the
page fell open to Daniel. Highlighted on the page, I saw first, “’Don’t be afraid, friend. Peace. Everything
is going to be all right. Take courage. Be strong.” (Daniel 10:19; MSG) As
I read and re-read the words, I indeed felt peace seep in.
Further up on the page the highlighted words, “From the moment you decided to humble
yourself to receive understanding, your prayer was heard.” (Daniel 10:12;
MSG)
As I sat in my car and breathed in the warmth and sunshine
wafting in through the open windows, the war of the morning subsided.
I just needed to be still for a few minutes, call out to God
from the stillness, then sit with him in the stillness. Why, oh, why, oh, why
does it seem so difficult for me to just. be. still. It is one of the primary
reasons why one of my Lenten commitments was to this blog. As evidenced by the
lack of recent posts, I allowed other things in life to win out yet again.
Always there is the struggle to differentiate between treating myself with
grace and allowing behavior to continue that is inconsistent with what I
believe or what I desire in my life.
And ultimately, that is the underlying issue right now with
anything I approach.
So here is a revision for this last week and a half of Lent,
most especially for Holy Week, a time to which I should devote myself in earnest to what the week remembers. If I write a reflection, great. If I don’t
get to it, no sweat. More importantly than anything else, I need to spend time
in stillness. So my commitment is to make that time. To apologize to anyone or
anything that I must miss for it, and to make that time. To show God I’m serious
about this and I want my relationship with him more than anything else.
My prayer today is that those of you who stumble across this
blog and also struggle with stillness find the strength with me to sit quietly
with God every day. To make space for God rather than fit God in.
Amen.