God and Donuts

“Only take care, son of man, that you don’t rebel like these rebels. Open your mouth and eat what I give you.” (Ezekiel 2:8, MSG)

This morning I ate six donuts. After the sixth, I got a spoon and scraped the sugary, oily glaze off the bottom of the empty box. Doing this broke several of the commitments I’ve made to God and to myself regarding food & nutrition, and already I can feel the unpleasant side effects starting to take shape. It is safe to say I am not at my spiritually (or physically) healthiest this morning.

The part of me that likes to make excuses says, “Well, eating six donuts certainly is preferable to drinking or putting other mind-altering substances in my body. God can forgive this.” Perhaps this is true. After all, God forgives everything. But getting down to the bottom of it, I didn’t need to eat the donuts at all. It was a cop-out, a diversion, and in its own way, abuse of a mind-altering substance. How about that? Donuts are a mind-altering substance. A lot of food can be. Especially for people like me who struggle with various forms of food addiction and eating disorders.

With all of the spiritual, therapeutic and programmatic tools I have for addressing and dealing with stress and difficult situations, why did I feel the need to plow through a box of donuts? It’s worth examining. Was it rebellion? An act out of anger at the situation presenting as the stressor? Was it simply not having the energy to exercise impulse control?

From the moment I made the conscious decision to get in the car to go buy donuts, I knew it was a bad idea. With every bite of each of the six donuts, I hated what I was doing. The act also brought to light an interesting revelation: eating the donuts opened a door for self-loathing and flagellation, things which now I strive to avoid doing, but once defined a comfortable misery in which I lived. Yet another indicator of an unhealthy spiritual condition. Being hard on myself is easier than being hard on anyone else.

So why did I do it? I honestly believe it comes back to rebellion. Given that I knew what I was doing with every step and bite I took, I have to believe it was rebellion. I’ve seen how well I’ve managed the impulse control recently with food, so I really don’t feel I can blame it on that. It was rebellion. I was unhappy with how a situation presented itself and, in anger, I ate donuts at God. I did not eat and enjoy them with God or bless God for them or bless them as gifts from God; I ate them in open defiance, eating them at him. As with anything that happens in that manner, though, I only harmed myself.

Withholding forgiveness and giving into certain temptations can bring about the same result. We get angry with a spouse, so we drink to get back at him, yet we harm ourselves. We get angry with a sister, so we stop talking to her to get back at her, yet we harm ourselves. We get upset about something at work, so we take it out on others in our job, yet we harm ourselves.

There is a quote I’ve heard repeated several times that says, “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Well, not forgiving God is like eating six consecutive donuts and waiting for him to feel sick, get bloated, experience a sugar crash and not fit into his jeans.

It’s okay to get angry with God. What’s not okay is to cause harm to myself or others because I don’t like how life came at me on any particular day. What’s not okay is forsaking working toward being a healthier me because I’m upset about something. I am human; I will fall. But every time I recognize my fall, I have the opportunity to turn my face upward, reach out my hands and say, “Okay, that was dumb. Please help me get up and please show me how I can do this better next time.”

My prayer today is that as I find the strength to ask God to grant me grace in dealing with myself, that you also find that grace. May we find the grace to forgive God for not giving us life as we pictured it and may we find the grace to forgive ourselves for the negative ways we respond when life gets hard.

Amen! =D

Working on My Butterfly

Psalm 51:10, 12

“Create in me a pure [clean] heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.”  (NIV)

“God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails!” (MSG)

Lent can be a pretty somber time. It is penitential, about self-examination and sacrifice, and as we move through the season in scripture, Jesus moves toward his final hour in the flesh. Yet every Ash Wednesday, after my priest marks our foreheads with ash saying, “Remember you are dust, and to dust you shall return,” after we’ve said a litany of penitence and confessed our sinful nature, the choir sings Create in Me, a song based on the verses above.

Lent is also a time of rejuvenation. It is a time for growth and renewal. And at the end, as the sun and son rise on Easter morning, we can give birth to our new selves, move forward in new lives. Lent is a cocoon. Lent is a retreat for the soul.

Many people give up things for Lent while others add in something new. Growing up, my mom, sister and I attended church, and Mom would make the Lenten resolution for all of us. I swear it was the same every year: No chocolate. Every year, at some point during Lent, a bag of M&Ms would show up in the house.

As a kid, I didn’t understand the significance of giving something up and sticking to it through the season. Even though I attended a Catholic grade school and I am sure was taught about what Lent was supposed to mean, it had no tangible meaning to me. I couldn’t see or understand any of it, and our yearly chocolate routine proved that there were no repercussions for not keeping a Lenten resolution.

So why do we do it? In my current adult understanding, the idea is based upon the fasting that took place in biblical times. Fasting isn’t just about sacrifice, it’s also about turning more of the focus on God. Fasting can be penitential and can allow for heightened awareness. But perhaps most importantly, fasting is a conscious act. A person chooses to fast in order to repent or to grow in a relationship with God.

In my lifetime, I can only think of one time I successfully stuck to giving something up for the entire season of Lent. I have found that I am far more successful if I add something God-focused to my routine. For where I am on my journey, throwing in another devotional or reading a new book (or getting back to Little Meditations) will do more to bring me closer to God.

Besides, I don’t eat nearly enough chocolate these days for it to be a sacrifice to give it up. 

Lord, as I snuggle into this cocoon of Lent with you, let my daily prayer be those lines from Psalm 51: Create in me a clean heart, renew in me a steadfast spirit, restore to me your joy, and grant me willingness. May the things I add or remove with intention this season bring me ever closer to you and help me to live in your will for my life.

Amen.

But I Want It Now

Romans 5:3-4

“We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.”  (MSG, italics mine)

I’ve never been one to be good with patience.  At least, not the waiting kind.  I can have the patience of a saint when it comes to dealing with an unruly child, but make me wait on something and I won’t have any fingernails left. 

There’s a particular area of my life I constantly try to take back from God.  Why?  Because I get tired of waiting.  I get impatient.  In spite of the fact that I have plenty of evidence that my doing so causes more trouble, I continue to give it up, take it back, give it up, take it back...   I know God sits there and shakes his head, maybe doing an occasional facepalm when I really botch things up by trying to take over.

Just last night we talked about it, God and I, and I expressed to him my frustration.  “You made me, you know I need this, please!”  Right?  I need it.  Says who?  Me?

What I do need right now is to turn it around and develop that passionate patience.  God has placed a situation in my life where lack of patience in this area could really cause me some trouble.  Lacking the patience I definitely will not forge my steel of virtue and I’ll get so caught up in my mess that I certainly won’t be alert to what God is doing. 

And I know, in the end, that is why I need to be patient and wait until the time is right anyway.  With this particular issue I am prone to be completely distracted from God if I am not ready when it comes.  He knows this.  He knows I need to be stronger in him before I can have these other things come into my life.

In the verse that follows, Paul points out that in developing this patience and living in alert expectancy we will never be left feeling “shortchanged.  Quite the contrary – we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives by the Holy Spirit!” (Rom. 5:5 MSG)

That is where my focus should be: on all the blessings God constantly pours into my life.

Lord, grant me patience and help me to look at the blessings, not at what I think is missing.

Amen!  :D

I Probably Ought to Get Spiked Shoes for This

Isaiah 2:3

“They’ll say, “Come, let’s climb God’s Mountain, go to the House of the God of Jacob.  He’ll show us the way he works so we can live the way we’re made.” (MSG – italics mine)

This was one of those open the bible randomly to a page & verse with prayerful hand moments.  I read Isaiah 2:1-5, but verse three is what stuck out to me the most. 

At first reading, the second half stuck out – that God will show us how he works so that we can live the way we’re made.  We can live the way we’re made.  And how are we made?

We are made in God’s image.  We are made of love.  We are made of light.

The problem – at least for me – is that it is so easy to get caught up in seeing how the world works that I forget to pay attention first and foremost to the way God works.  So I see what I think the world thinks.

I’m not good enough.  I have friends, but I still feel really alone.  I somehow often manage to do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, act the wrong way. 

Lies.  Lies the world tells me.  Lies the enemy sneaks into my thoughts.  If I listen to God, if I seek the truth, I hear that I am beautiful, that I am talented, that he loves me and has big plans for me!  So I need to pay attention to what God is doing so that I can see how he works and I can live the way I am made.

In order to do that, however, I must climb God’s Mountain.  And the way that translates to me today is that I have to lean on my trust in God and step out in faith to do that which he is calling me to do.  I must conquer any fear I may have, face the responsibilities he wants to bestow upon me, do the work he has asked me to do and climb that mountain. 

It will not be easy.  Climbing mountains of any kind is not easy.  There are many risks and dangers along the way.  Obstacles to overcome.  Which is where leaning on trust comes into play.  It is through trust in God that I will find confidence – confidence that should my foot slip and I start to tumble backward down his rocky crag, he will catch me and put me right back on my feet.  Confidence that, should I encounter an obstacle which feels far too large for me, God is always bigger and he’s got everything under control.

Thank God!

So here’s to stepping out in faith, to determination, to developing discipline to keep me on the path, to perseverance and to God’s gifts of mercy and grace.

“Come, let’s climb God’s Mountain, go to the House of the God of Jacob. He’ll show us the way he works so we can live the way we’re made.  Come, family of Jacob, let’s live in the light of God.” Isaiah 2:3, 5 (MSG)

Don't Bruise the Word

James 4:1-12, 5:9

This goes hand in hand with gossip, but there’s a key component James includes in this instruction: “It’s God’s Word, his Message, his Royal Rule, that takes a beating in that kind of talk.  You’re supposed to be honoring the Message, not writing graffiti all over it,” James 4:11b (MSG)

As a Christian, I set an example by the way I live – the way I speak, the way I act, etc.  If I proclaim to try to love like Christ, then talk badly about someone, it only reinforces the hypocrisy which riddles Christianity and religion as it is.  Not to mention, as James says in 5:9, surely far worse things could be said about me.

Why do I complain or speak poorly about others?  Usually because they irritate me.  Sometimes it may simply be that my personality and theirs are not compatible.  Most of the time, if I really examine why someone irritates me or why I feel the need to share that irritation with others, I find that it comes back to me thinking I know how she should live her life. 

God has a plan for everyone, and I need to remember that.  Others may not think I’m doing what I should be doing, but I know that God is working in me.  I must extend that understanding to others when I am tempted to pass judgment. 

This is no easy task, especially when I see a loved one in conflict and I think I know what she could do to ease her struggling.  It is not my job to come up with her answers.  I may offer advice based on my own experience, but after that, I give it to God.  In no way should I think I’m right or that I know best.  How she comes through something may be completely different than how I would.

So yet again I will work to be careful in my speech, particularly when it comes to commentary on others’ lives.  If it isn’t helpful – and it usually isn’t – I don’t need to say it.  I will pray and lift up those in the midst of troubles instead of telling them and everyone else what they’re doing wrong and how I know how to fix it.

Amen!  :D 

One Slice of Humble Pie, Please

James 4:1-10

James has a knack for revealing flaws in the human condition.  His frustration with the new Christians is obvious.  And I Imagine he would be just as frustrated with today’s Christians. 

In this piece of scripture, James is scolding us for fighting with each other to get our own way or to get what others have that we want.  He points out that we don’t even bother asking God for whatever it is we’re after because we know it’s for the wrong reasons.

I know when I’m not doing the right thing.  That still, small voice is right there at the back of my mind telling me to stop, turn, and bring him back to the front of my mind.  He’ll knock me down to my knees, but if I humble myself before him and ask for forgiveness, he’ll lift me right back up – higher than before.

Being in recovery and familiar with the 12-step system used by many different types of groups, I know this is often stressed as the second most important component of the program.  The first is surrendering oneself, the second is humbling oneself.  I’ve heard many a voice in those groups say, “I had to get down on my knees and get humble before God.”

Pride, ego and desire leave no room for God, but open the door to the enemy.  There is no happiness in this kind of life, no fulfillment.  If I am always fighting, always trying to get my way, or always wanting what I don’t or can’t have, I will not enjoy my life. 

God wants me to enjoy life!  But I must surrender to his will for my life before I can enjoy it.

“So let God work his will in you.  Yell a loud no to the devil and watch him scamper.  Say a quiet yes to God and he’ll be there in no time.  Quit dabbling in sin.  Purify your inner life.  Quit playing the field.  Hit bottom, cry your eyes out.  Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet.” James 4:7-10 (MSG)

Amen!  :D

Put the Corndogs Down!

James 1:12-15

Temptation.  Yet another theme that shows up all over the bible.  Being human, temptation is a daily struggle.  Even if it’s little things, temptation shows up everywhere, sometimes in the least likely of places.  It’s a tricky component of human nature. 

Tempt: to entice or allure to do something often regarded as unwise, wrong, or immoral (dictionary.com – italics mine).  In other words, to persuade one to do something that goes against the will of God.

I am very familiar with temptation – especially where it connects to my lack of impulse control.  There was one particular grocery shopping trip where a box of fifty mini corndogs jumped in and out of my cart at least four times.  I lost the battle and it came home with me (and I am primarily a vegetarian).  This may be a small, silly example which doesn’t adversely affect my life in any big way, but I still gave into temptation.  

For any of us who are addicts of any sort, temptation plays a huge role in how we live our lives.  Due to the nature of our physiological and psychological addiction, when we get that urge to use, to drink, to gamble, etc, it can be next to impossible to resist.  Somehow the car ends up in the dealer’s driveway.  “Well, I’m already here.  I might as well go in.”  Walking by a bar, “Oh, one drink won’t hurt.  At the most I’ll have two and then I’ll leave.”  I think plenty of folks other than myself know where both of those situations will lead.

What I find interesting about this passage is that James is clear that it is not God who tempts us.  “God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else.  Temptation comes from our own desires which entice us and drag us away.” James 1:13b, 14 (NLT)

What about Job?  God allows Satan to wreak havoc upon Job’s life to tempt him to curse God, but God himself in no way tempts Job.   What about Jesus in the desert with the devil?  In Matthew 4:1, Mark 1:12 and Luke 4:1, the Holy Spirit leads Jesus into the desert.  Yet the devil, not the Holy Spirit is the source of the temptation.  God doesn’t do the tempting, the enemy does.  James says temptation to give in comes from us. 

While another entity may be the source of that which tempts me, what causes me to succumb to temptation is within my human nature.  I give in whether it is due to my brain chemistry, my seeking of approval or attention, my desire to do something other than what I am doing...  The list goes on. 

The good thing in all of this is that I am reassured that God will never allow my desires and temptations to be more than I can handle.  “God is faithful.  He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand.  When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so you can endure.” 1 Cor 10:13 (NLT)  He will always provide a way out, I just have to pay attention.  And the best way I can keep myself equipped to see the way out is to have my nose in the Good Book and recognize things which are in accordance with God’s will instead of my own. 

Amen!  :D

p.s. While looking over various topics of temptation, an image of Peter from Family Guy showed up in the search results.  Of course I had to look.  Rev Peep: Resisting Temptation