Just. Be. Still.

“Relax, Daniel, don’t be afraid. From the moment you decided to humble yourself to receive understanding, your prayer was heard.” (Daniel 10:12; MSG)

I got up on the wrong side of the bed today. I was in good head space when I went to sleep, but I woke up angry and combative. Never a great way to start the day.

The day started anyway, and I worked to stop the running arguments in my head as I went through my usual morning motions. I sent up a handful of hurried prayers for God to release me. The arguments persisted. I grabbed a notebook and angrily wrote out about three or four pages of what was going on in my mind. If it hadn’t been for time, I would’ve written more. As I threw together my things to hurry out the door for work, I dialed my sponsor in hopes of releasing some of the tumult. No answer.

Arriving at work, I glossed the subject with a co-worker and friend in whom I can confide, touching only the basic idea of what had me so afflicted. He offered some limited perspective and helped by giving me a couple of extra things to consider. I calmed a bit and began my work day. As I feel tends to happen when I am already in a state of agitation, several things popped up just within the first three hours that grated on my raw nerves. Another co-worker approached and undeservedly received a barrage of angry words about the things that had irritated me in the past hour.

Knowing I needed to do something to change my attitude, I stepped outside to take a few minutes and pray. The first thing that came to my mind was the Prayer of St. Francis. Following that, a few deep breaths in stillness and earnest requests to God to help me seek to be compassionate and understanding. Opening my eyes I picked up my Bible and the page fell open to Daniel. Highlighted on the page, I saw first, “’Don’t be afraid, friend. Peace. Everything is going to be all right. Take courage. Be strong.” (Daniel 10:19; MSG) As I read and re-read the words, I indeed felt peace seep in.

Further up on the page the highlighted words, “From the moment you decided to humble yourself to receive understanding, your prayer was heard.” (Daniel 10:12; MSG)

As I sat in my car and breathed in the warmth and sunshine wafting in through the open windows, the war of the morning subsided.

I just needed to be still for a few minutes, call out to God from the stillness, then sit with him in the stillness. Why, oh, why, oh, why does it seem so difficult for me to just. be. still. It is one of the primary reasons why one of my Lenten commitments was to this blog. As evidenced by the lack of recent posts, I allowed other things in life to win out yet again. Always there is the struggle to differentiate between treating myself with grace and allowing behavior to continue that is inconsistent with what I believe or what I desire in my life.

And ultimately, that is the underlying issue right now with anything I approach.

So here is a revision for this last week and a half of Lent, most especially for Holy Week, a time to which I should devote myself in earnest to what the week remembers. If I write a reflection, great. If I don’t get to it, no sweat. More importantly than anything else, I need to spend time in stillness. So my commitment is to make that time. To apologize to anyone or anything that I must miss for it, and to make that time. To show God I’m serious about this and I want my relationship with him more than anything else.

My prayer today is that those of you who stumble across this blog and also struggle with stillness find the strength with me to sit quietly with God every day. To make space for God rather than fit God in.

Amen.

God and Donuts

“Only take care, son of man, that you don’t rebel like these rebels. Open your mouth and eat what I give you.” (Ezekiel 2:8, MSG)

This morning I ate six donuts. After the sixth, I got a spoon and scraped the sugary, oily glaze off the bottom of the empty box. Doing this broke several of the commitments I’ve made to God and to myself regarding food & nutrition, and already I can feel the unpleasant side effects starting to take shape. It is safe to say I am not at my spiritually (or physically) healthiest this morning.

The part of me that likes to make excuses says, “Well, eating six donuts certainly is preferable to drinking or putting other mind-altering substances in my body. God can forgive this.” Perhaps this is true. After all, God forgives everything. But getting down to the bottom of it, I didn’t need to eat the donuts at all. It was a cop-out, a diversion, and in its own way, abuse of a mind-altering substance. How about that? Donuts are a mind-altering substance. A lot of food can be. Especially for people like me who struggle with various forms of food addiction and eating disorders.

With all of the spiritual, therapeutic and programmatic tools I have for addressing and dealing with stress and difficult situations, why did I feel the need to plow through a box of donuts? It’s worth examining. Was it rebellion? An act out of anger at the situation presenting as the stressor? Was it simply not having the energy to exercise impulse control?

From the moment I made the conscious decision to get in the car to go buy donuts, I knew it was a bad idea. With every bite of each of the six donuts, I hated what I was doing. The act also brought to light an interesting revelation: eating the donuts opened a door for self-loathing and flagellation, things which now I strive to avoid doing, but once defined a comfortable misery in which I lived. Yet another indicator of an unhealthy spiritual condition. Being hard on myself is easier than being hard on anyone else.

So why did I do it? I honestly believe it comes back to rebellion. Given that I knew what I was doing with every step and bite I took, I have to believe it was rebellion. I’ve seen how well I’ve managed the impulse control recently with food, so I really don’t feel I can blame it on that. It was rebellion. I was unhappy with how a situation presented itself and, in anger, I ate donuts at God. I did not eat and enjoy them with God or bless God for them or bless them as gifts from God; I ate them in open defiance, eating them at him. As with anything that happens in that manner, though, I only harmed myself.

Withholding forgiveness and giving into certain temptations can bring about the same result. We get angry with a spouse, so we drink to get back at him, yet we harm ourselves. We get angry with a sister, so we stop talking to her to get back at her, yet we harm ourselves. We get upset about something at work, so we take it out on others in our job, yet we harm ourselves.

There is a quote I’ve heard repeated several times that says, “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Well, not forgiving God is like eating six consecutive donuts and waiting for him to feel sick, get bloated, experience a sugar crash and not fit into his jeans.

It’s okay to get angry with God. What’s not okay is to cause harm to myself or others because I don’t like how life came at me on any particular day. What’s not okay is forsaking working toward being a healthier me because I’m upset about something. I am human; I will fall. But every time I recognize my fall, I have the opportunity to turn my face upward, reach out my hands and say, “Okay, that was dumb. Please help me get up and please show me how I can do this better next time.”

My prayer today is that as I find the strength to ask God to grant me grace in dealing with myself, that you also find that grace. May we find the grace to forgive God for not giving us life as we pictured it and may we find the grace to forgive ourselves for the negative ways we respond when life gets hard.

Amen! =D

Beautiful Things

“This is what God says, “Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.” (Isaiah 43:16A, 18; MSG)

Lent corresponds with spring in such divine design. The shells of the dead of winter begin to fall away, and where there was a lack of life, life begins anew. Although this inconsistent winter is confusing even for the plants, which keep trying to bloom before the cold is truly gone, seeing those blooms reminds me that the bleakness of winter is almost behind us. During this season of self-examination I have the opportunity to shed things of the past and reach forward for the new life God works in me.

I am blessed to be a part of the praise and worship team at my church. We have a lot of favorite & familiar songs we love to play, but every now and then one of us will bring in something new to try. Last night I brought Gungor’s “Beautiful Things”¹ to the group. It is a simple, sweet song with a powerful and meaningful message. The moment I first heard the song it touched my heart. The opening lines speak to my core: “All this pain / I wonder if I'll ever find my way / I wonder if my life could really change at all...” The gist of the song is about the possibility of new life, that God makes things new, that he makes beautiful things out of us – his beloved children.

I wrote recently about God not choosing the most well-to-do or put together people to carry his message.² Generally, it seems God rather likes messes. The stories and major players throughout the Bible can be inspiration, reassurance or hope for us all in that we do not have to be slave to our human condition if we only turn to God. It’s as though he says, “Wait and see. Just look what I can do with YOU.”

He makes beautiful things out of us.

No matter how broken, how rebellious, how messy, he can make us beautiful. No matter how far we’ve fallen, how far away we’ve run, how many mistakes we’ve made, he can make us beautiful. No matter how dark, how lonely, how hopeless… He can make us beautiful.

“He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (Isaiah 61:1-3; NIV)

“God, you are our Father.  We’re the clay and you’re our potter:  All of us are what you made us. Show us the way [you] work so we can live the way we’re made.” (Isaiah 64:4; 1:3; MSG)

My prayer today is that we let God, the great and masterful artist, work his beauty into us. May we allow him to form and shape us into his perfect image, into a design specific to each and every one of us, his beloved children. And then, may he grant us strength and courage to live the way we’re made!

Amen! =D

¹  Gungor’s “Beautiful Things” music video

² Dim Bulbs

Not What, but Why?

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10)

Tall orders stand before me this Lenten season. But as I step out in faith, I understand that both the sacrifices and the supplements I feel called toward this Lent focus on three key elements:

Obedience. Discipline. Relationship.

Obedience is following that which God set before me as a major dietary change. Lent is a great time to start a new nutrition regimen, however all the new restrictions require a fair amount of research and learning on my end. Had I paid attention when I first received the instruction in January, my research could be done and I could be prepared. But I am human, stubborn and willful, and I not only ignored God's word on the matter, I also openly rebelled against it. So Lent, as a penitential season, provides good opportunity to turn, ask for forgiveness, say yes, and ask for strength to carry out the instructions now.

Discipline is not only sticking to the dietary regimen, but also making the necessary changes in my schedule to make and keep a commitment to reviving Little Meditations during Lent. I admit I've not given God the best of one-on-one time lately. I talked a fair amount about it; I spoke to things I could do to change it, but again, I am stubborn and willful, busy in my little human life, stopping to thank God and say a prayer here and there, but not taking good time to sit with him in quiet or to spend more time than the pre-sleep routine in meditation on his word. Lent is a great time to add back the pause and reflection offered by writing Little Meditations. Discipline is required in order to fulfill this commitment.

Relationship. Stepping into obedience of something into which God called me and disciplining myself in a way which results in more quiet & reflective time in prayer and study both move me closer to God. Every time I say yes, every time I am still, I move closer to God. God so desperately wants us to have real, personal, individual relationships with him. God does so much for me daily. The least I can do is work on my end of that bargain. The least I can do is modify my behavior to say, "You are important and I want you in my life. I will say yes to you and I will make time to be still." The least I can do is pay God more than lip service when I say, "Your will, not mine, be done."

Ouch. That last sentence kind of stings. But this is Lent. And Lent is a season intended for self-reflection and spiritual cleansing as I prepare for the death and resurrection of the One who sets me free. Free from the bondage of self1, free from the petty tyrannies of others2, free from the confines of this world3.

As we begin this Lenten season together, my question for you is not "What are you doing for Lent," but "Why are you doing it?"

May God's glorious strength be with you through this time and may you find his light shining through your commitment to him.

Amen! =D




1-Matthew 10:39; John 10:10
2-Romans 14
3-John 18:36

May I Interrupt?

“Simon Peter, when he saw it, fell to his knees before Jesus. “Master, leave. I’m a sinner and can’t handle this holiness. Leave me to myself.” (Luke 5:8; MSG)

Shortly before this moment, Jesus, in an effort to better teach the eager crowd closing in on him, interrupted Simon in his work and had him put his boat back out in the water. I would like to be able to read of this interaction and the time in-between, but maybe it is better to imagine it...

Simon, James and John spend a long, tiring night out on the lake only to come back empty-handed. They beach their boats and begin the thankless task of washing their large nets. Perhaps they think about how many nights there were like this, how they will provide for their families, when they will finally haul in a good catch. Who knows if they even notice or pay attention to Jesus and his growing crowd?

Then Jesus just climbs right into Simon’s boat. Totally hops in uninvited and then has the nerve to ask Simon to get in, too, and put the boat back out in the water. Simon recognizes Jesus as the man who recently healed his mother-in-law (Luke 4:38-39). Feeling a bit obligated, he complies with Jesus’s request, then sits nearby in the boat while Jesus teaches the masses gathered on the shore.

I can’t help but imagine Simon spent that time in the boat much like many of us do in the pew on Sunday. He catches bits and pieces of what Jesus says, but he is distracted. His mind is on the long night and lack of fish. He thinks about the net he has yet to wash. He knows better than to expect James and John will do it for him since he’s stuck out here with this Jesus character. Simon’s attention is feeble at best as he checks off his mental to-do list and tries to prepare for the coming day.

As Jesus wraps up his sermon, Simon yawns. Jesus turns to him and says, “Push out into deep water and let your nets out for a catch.” (Luke 5:4) Simon thinks, “Is he kidding? Seriously? I didn’t catch anything all night and I already have one net waiting for me to wash on the shore and now he wants me to take the boat out again and toss my clean nets out?” He summons all his courage and patience as he again remembers that Jesus healed his mother-in-law. Half-protesting, half-obedient, Simon does as Jesus asks, sure to point out the clear folly in his request as he threw the nets out. Immediately, the nets fill with fish. So many fish that James and John have to bring their boat out to help haul in the catch.

How often do I find myself in this situation? I’m tired, I’m frustrated, nothing’s going my way, I’m worried about bills, I don’t have enough time, and then – God interrupts. Absolutely no consideration for what I think or feel about it, he tells me to put the boat in the water. Then he talks for awhile and I sit in the boat, yawning and half-heartedly listening as I think about things I need to get done. Then God nudges me and says, “Go deeper.” Somewhat reluctantly, I go. And suddenly I find myself in that place of God’s Abundance, that Romans 5:1-2 promise of the Peace and Grace that come side-by-side with stepping out in faith.

I often feel like Simon Peter, falling to my knees and saying, “I do not deserve this.” Because I know, as Simon knew, that I could’ve done better, listened closer, tried harder, been more willing, etc, etc. The thing is, I never could be “good enough” for God’s Grace. I never could do or say enough to earn his Love. Which is why I am thankful that God’s Grace is freely given. There isn’t a thing I have to do to earn his Love – it is already mine without condition. And no matter how many times I fall, he will pick me up, dust me off and kiss me on the forehead as he says, “I forgive you.” Every time.

So how does Jesus reply when Simon falls to his knees and confesses his feelings of unworthiness?

“Jesus said to Simon, “There is nothing to fear.” (Luke 5:10b)

There is nothing to fear.

With that, Jesus tells Simon, James and John that they will be fishers of men. The three new disciples leave everything – everything – behind and follow Jesus. Because it never really was about the fish, was it?

My prayer today is that I work harder to stay focused on that which God reveals to me. It is so easy to be distracted by the things of this world and my daily life. I pray that I may strengthen my ears to therefore be quicker in perking them up when I hear the voice of my God speaking to me.

Amen!

A House of Prayer for All People

"Make sure no outsider who now follows God ever has occasion to say, ‘God put me in second-class. I don’t really belong.’ … And as for those outsiders who now follow me, working for me, loving my name and wanting to be my servants – I’ll bring them to my holy mountain and give them joy in my house of prayer. They’ll be welcome to worship the same as the ‘insiders.’ Oh yes, my house of worship will be known as a house of prayer for all people.” The Decree of the Master, God himself, who gathers in the exiles of Israel.” Isaiah 56:3, 6-8 (MSG)

Why some insist on picking and choosing scripture that excludes, rejects, condemns and promotes intolerance, I don’t understand. My personal experience of the Good Book is mostly messages of Love, Forgiveness, Acceptance…

Especially if we call ourselves Christians, proclaiming to follow Jesus – who himself said the most important commandments were Love God with everything in you and Love People, too (See Matt. 22:34-40), not to mention he constantly broke religious laws, healed people on the Sabbath, threw a fit and turned over tables in the temple, hung out with the dregs of society and railed against the Pharisees and Sadducees who were so rigid in their rules and traditions, intolerant and unaccepting of those who didn’t think like them (See Matthew, Mark, Luke, John) – it seems we send a conflicting message when we pluck certain condemning scriptures and judge others by them.

As a greater part of my church is in conflict and we strive to discern God’s will nationally, regionally and as parishes and individuals, my constant prayer is for Jesus to be present, that we remember to keep Christ in Christianity.

I praise and give thanks for my own church family, especially as I see those in leadership working hard to keep us moving in the right direction, following God’s will, remaining as bearers of the Good News with our doors, arms and hearts open to all.

“As for me and my family, we’ll worship God.” Josh. 24:15 (MSG)

If you feel rejected, excluded, unloved, or if you’ve turned away from God, Christianity or religion because you feel it has turned away from you, come to my house. Come see God’s love alive and present in my church.* We will welcome you and love you as the Child of God you are.

And if you can’t come to my church, I pray God will lead you to one like it. I’ve been blessed to experience many churches like my own in my travels – I know they exist and are waiting for you. Just ask God to take you there.

Today and all days, I lift up my greater church, all of us who find a home in it, and for Christians everywhere – I pray we keep Christ in Christianity and let his message, God’s message of Love, be that which takes priority above all others.

Amen! =D

*If you are in the greater Charleston, SC area and looking for a church home, feel free to contact me.

Kindness is Catching, You Know

2 Timothy 2:20-26

“Become the kind of container God can use to present any and every kind of gift to his guests for their blessing.” (2 Tim. 2:21; MSG)

I refuse not to believe in the basic good of all people.

What it comes down to is that we all have pasts. We’ve all been hurt, mistreated, abused, used, abandoned, praised, loved, hated, worshiped, forgotten, lied to… Everything everyone says or does is directly influenced by what happened to her and how she has or has not dealt with it.

This in no way excuses poor behavior, it merely explains it.

But at the core, at the seed of our being, we are all good people. God created each one of us, after all. Yet while God is so Amazing and Wonderful and Good, the world we created with our free will is often harsh and cynical and terrifying.

Society – at least in the corner of the world with which I am familiar – is far more slanted toward the negative than the positive, and more toward the individual than the group. Social implications teach us to tear others down to make ourselves look or feel better rather than build each other up. Tabloids and gossip shows exploit the famous, highlighting their faults and failures. Reality shows are often edited to show people at their worst, treating each other poorly and creating unnecessary drama. We find this entertaining, I think, because seeing what’s wrong with others’ lives makes us feel better about our own. Bad day at work? Boss was mean? Go home, kick back to reality TV and feel better by watching the petty drama. Or turn on the news and feel better about the blah of life because at least we aren’t in Syria, our kids haven’t been kidnapped, or our house didn’t catch fire.

Imagine what would happen if all that was taken away. Imagine if we focused on the good things and didn’t glorify negative news. Imagine what the world would be like if we really did just love each other.

These days, as I continue growing in my spirit-filled life, I work hard to stay positive, to encourage others, to give compliments, perform random acts of kindness, go out of my way to be nice to others – even if they aren’t nice to me. It does not take long to see the impact this has on the people around me. And I’m just one person!

Robin Sharma, an inspirational author, once said, “Leave each person better than you found them.” I was taught growing up to leave a place better than I found it. (Babysitting? Clean up a little bit, even if they didn’t ask.) I love, love, love the idea of applying that to people and I am implementing it into my behavior. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a coworker, family member, or clerk at the grocery store. Smile, be polite, engage. Doing that we just might make someone’s day.

I remember an email chain going around once that was the story of two boys, one of which was severely bullied. One day, the second boy went out of his way to be kind to the first, walking home with him and talking to him about the day. Years later, the bullied boy told the second boy that he had planned on killing himself that night until the second boy was nice to him. That one act of kindness gave him enough hope to carry on. We may never know what chain reaction our kindness has, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it can have incredible power! A kind word, a smile, a nice gesture…  Who knows what it could do for someone?!

So how does this relate to my refusing not to believe in the basic good of all people? In my interactions with others, it is that Good Seed God planted toward which I speak and act. If someone is rude toward me, I don’t talk to the rudeness. I reach out to the Good Seed. If someone offers harsh criticism, after he walks away I pray over his day and whatever may be going on in his life (Matt 5:44).

Now, it is important to bear in mind that this is a Christ-like attribute toward which to strive. It is an aspect of a spirit-filled life, a God-gift. We must, must, must always remember that we are human, we are not perfect, and we will not be able to keep this up 100% of the time. There is stuff going on in our lives, too. Just yesterday I allowed tired frustration to color my interaction with a pharmacy associate. She was only kind to me, but I was tired after a long day of work, irritated that they didn’t have what I wanted, beyond ready to go home, and therefore not as pleasant as I could’ve been. Even Jesus couldn’t keep it up 100% of the time (“Jesus was irate and let them know it…” see Mark 10:14), and if HE couldn’t do it, WE certainly can’t expect to. The key is to keep that in mind, to heighten our awareness of our attitudes toward others, to recognize and acknowledge when we fall short, and to pray about it, asking for forgiveness and the strength to do better the next time.

My prayer tonight is that I continue to work toward kindness, to seek out the Good Seed in everyone I meet, and that I can create sparks and light matches that help spread the Holy Fire of God’s Grace and Love.

Amen!  :D

I Am A Child of God

“But whoever did want him, who believed he was who he claimed and would do what he said, He made to be their true selves, their child-of-God selves.” John 1:12 (MSG)

“...but if you’re content to be simply yourself, you will become more than yourself.” Luke 18:14b (MSG)

“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are – no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.” Matthew 5:5 (MSG)

I spent so many years running from myself, hating all or parts of who I was. I saw all my faults and failures, honed in on criticism against me. When anyone had something nice to say about me, I would think, “Yeah, but they don’t know everything.” So many years of self-loathing, scarcely able to look at myself in the mirror some days. I thought myself unworthy – as a friend, as a family member, as a church member, even just as a living and breathing person. Two of my most common thoughts were: “I am a failed attempt to fly,” and “I am a pathetic excuse for a human being.”

But I am a child of God. And God doesn’t make mistakes.

It is only in giving myself to God, entrusting my life to his care that I can let go of those lies. It is in praying for surrender to God, to his love, and to his will for my life that I find freedom. Yes, I am a work in progress (I must continually pray for patience!), but it is in surrender that I find my true self. I learn who my real self is, my child of God self, and I learn to love myself just as I am. He loves me unconditionally, madly and passionately – the least I can do is simply love me.

Sure, I still have faults and failures, but all that is overruled by God’s gracious love. I don’t have to live in the lies anymore, whether they are the lies the world tells me or the lies I tell myself. Because I am worth it. Living in God’s light and love I know that I, too, can be light and love. Jesus said, “You are the light of the world.” (Matt. 5:14) He was talking to people like me, everyday people, people living imperfect lives. And he tells us to shine!

Often the most powerful testimonies come from those whose lives have changed so dramatically – ex-cons, recovering addicts, former prostitutes, etc. Why? Because the change in their lives was such that people around them couldn’t help but see the difference. And like the leper made clean, they can’t help but run into town praising what God has done for them (Luke 5:12-15).

But we are ALL children of God. The change doesn’t have to be so dramatic. Jesus wants ALL of us to shine. The Child-of-God ‘Club’ of Light and Love is not exclusive. There are no membership fees. There are no requirements. We were all created by him, in him, and through him. No mistakes were made. Each of us is here exactly as who we are, where we are for a specific reason and/or purpose.

So embrace it. Embrace God, and find and embrace your true self, your child of God self.

“If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.” Matt 10:39

There is no better feeling than to throw my arms open wide, tilt my head back and pray, “I want to be yours. Holy and wholly. Let me walk in your light and love; let me be your light and love to others. Here I am. Use me. I want your will for my life. Let my light shine.”

Amen!

Resistance is Futile, Anyway

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

“We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken.”  (MSG, italics mine)

I have been wandering in the wilderness.  There were only a few times I ventured very far from the pasture; mostly I was hanging out near the gate thinking about going in, or walking along the fence, but on the outside.  I kept my communication with God open, but I found myself resisting him.  I acknowledged my resistance, asked for forgiveness, then plopped down by the gate, where I sat for the last month, trying to summon the energy to stand, dust off, then run as fast as I could into the arms of my God.

The last three and a half months have been difficult.  A period of let-downs, loss, shattered hope, death, grief and confusion followed the catalyst event referred to in, Really, God?  Before Christmas there was anger.  After Christmas, I went into maintenance mode.  There was a lot of reaching for God through the final sickness and death of my grandmother, with whom I was very close.  Then came exhaustion and just moving from day to day through life’s busyness. 

Fatigued, I sat down just outside the gate of God’s green pasture.  I said, “I surrender.  Here.  I don’t want it, I trust you to do what needs to be done.  But I’m tired and I need to sit for awhile.”  And in my weakness, he found strength.  I haven’t yet run back into the lushest of the grass, but I am inside the gate.  My peace once again is not fleeting or easily disrupted, and I have amazed myself in this last week at how I have grown, at what God has done with me. 

It astounds me to no end how I can come and go and come and go.  I suppose it is human nature, and if I’ve learned anything from the Old Testament about human nature, it is that we come and go.  The Israelites are an extreme example, but reading through the Psalms and the stories of David, I find someone human to whom I can really relate. 

There are still troubles, but not nearly as many.  I still don’t know what to do, but I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God knows what to do.  So I’m going to let him do it.  And as we move into this season of Lent, I will strive to reignite the flame that burned so brightly last fall. 

“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God...” 2 Cor 4:6 (NIV).

Dear Lord, let Light shine out of the darkness in my life.  Help me to move forward in love with faith and trust, surrendering myself to you and believing that you are working good from this thing I call my life.  Grant me humility during this Lenten season and beyond.  Bring me ever closer to you and hold me in your heart.

Amen.

*In the spirit of no alle...lu’s during Lent, my equivalent happy face after the Amen will be on vacation until Easter.     

Lifted Up

1 Peter 5:10

“The suffering won’t last forever.  It won’t be long before [the God of all grace] this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ – eternal and glorious plans they are! – will have you put together and on your feet for good [will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast].”  (1 Pet. 5:10, MSG [NIV])

I’ve been hanging out in the desert for the past week or so.  I didn’t feel completely disconnected from God, but I knew I wasn’t where he wanted me to be.  He provided for me, then I ran with a couple of things on my own and actually kind of shut him out.  I kept talking to God some, but I wasn’t really listening for any response or direction. 

I’ve written recently about God allowing things to happen in my life for the purpose of teaching me about myself. I also outright prayed for him to break me because I know it can take drastic measures to hammer a point home with me sometimes. 

God was listening.  He watched as I wrote one day about a part of my life I always take back where I needed to learn patience, then watched as less than a week later I had already forgotten and was charging forward on my own. 

The series of events that took place just over this past weekend alone were so perfectly orchestrated to break me in such a precise manner that I was standing on the rim of hell before I lifted my hands high and God picked me up.  In a matter of moments, I went from being a completely and utterly terrified mess to resting in God’s arms, at peace, lighter than I have felt yet.  I could not have looked at the whole situation and seen how many things God was going to use it to heal.  It was impossible to know until it happened just how he was working it all in me. 

I feel God everywhere, but I feel especially connected to him at the beach.  I ended up on an empty beach Sunday evening, which is where this moment of healing took place.  God took me out there, when I had no idea I was even near a beach, and it just so happened to be a beach I have only been to one other time – another time God took me there for healing.

Standing at the water’s edge, I watched the sun set and felt God lift me up as I reached for him.  He restored peace and quiet to my soul, and took yet more things from me that have caused me pain.  I felt a renewed sense of joy, and when I stepped back, I was blown away by how symbolic my footprints in the sand were.  I’ve never had footprints quite like these.  Instead of being imprinted in the sand, they were extruded, almost as evidence of the weight God had lifted from me, evidence that he had lifted me up.

I’m thinking I should hang these footprints up as a reminder.  God’s grace is beyond measure and his mercy never ceases.

Amen!  :D



He Really Won’t

1 Corinthians 1:8-9

“God himself is right alongside to keep you steady and on track... He will never give up on you.  Never forget that.”  (MSG)

I have the privilege of attending a Celebrate Recovery (CR) group that includes women from the local treatment center.  Their brokenness is written all over them, on their faces, in their body language, in the sound of their voices. 

I am thankful that they have the opportunity to attend CR, that they have to opportunity to be in a group where they can freely talk about God and where they can hear what God is doing in others.  In the service they can hear the word of God and in the group they can feel his love. 

This verse, particularly verse nine, speaks to my heart for those in recovery.  Regardless of whether it is recovery from addiction or some other unhealthy behavior, there are many who slip and fall time and time again.  This verse is especially for them.

God is forgiving, not giving up. 

In Matthew 18:21, Peter asks Jesus if he should forgive someone up to seven times.  In 18:22, I can almost hear Jesus laughing: “Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven.” (MSG) 

I don’t think Jesus meant to set an actual number, but to illustrate that one should not limit forgiveness.  If there was a limit, I might be out of luck.  God, if taking a tally, probably would have reached my 490 a long time ago.  Thankfully for me, God doesn’t keep score.  Thankfully for me, he will never give up on me.

As many times as I wander away from the flock, God will always rescue this sheep.  I pray that as I sit in the room with those women every week knowing that most cannot fathom being where I am now and some may not have hope ever to get there, that I can illustrate God’s forgiveness and give hope with what I share.