Don’t Doubt, Just Do

“Whenever someone has a ready heart for this, the insights and understandings flow freely.” (Matthew 13:12; MSG)

By far, one of the more difficult things for me to trust in this faith life is whether a message/thought/idea comes from God. In the past I lived in my own world in my head coming up with grand ideas and creating situations and relationships that often were not real. And when I would venture to pursue something I thought I’d perceived, I’d end up getting hurt or looking like a fool. Back then, if you gave me a crumb, I’d turn it into an entire shop full of baked goods.

I understand a lot of it was escapism. The world in my head provided a break from what I knew as a dark reality. In my head people liked me, I had friends, love was possible. In the world people bullied me, betrayed me, cheated on me. In my head I could be happy. In the world I saw no way out of my pain.

In this faith life my reality is very different. I am very different. When I find myself trying to escape into my head these days it is usually because I am avoiding a task God has given me that I do not want to do. And it is consistently fear-based.

The rational part of me knows that, with God, I have nothing to fear. But I am human. In my avoidance of his request, I begin to doubt, and I question whether or not it came from him or if I’ve made it up in my head. In my heart, I usually know the answer. But there were a few times I escaped into my head launching off the very thing God gave me to do and therefore completely and totally convoluted the whole matter.  The last time it happened I had myself worked into such a frenzy that I teetered on that old edge of self-destruction, nearly ruining a lot of good things I’ve got going in my life.

All because I couldn’t trust God because I didn’t want to accept something he put in my path.

My resistance, not the thing’s existence, was the source of my turmoil.

So now I find myself rolling down a similar, yet far less devastating snowy hill as I hem and haw over what he asked me to do. Because I’m worried about me. I got far enough into my head about it that I began to question my motives and if this really is a task from God. Yet I know, and I knew the moment he said it, that it came from him. Imagine how much time I’d save and trouble I’d miss if I followed through in the beginning! The fruit I daily see in doing just that is amazing...

So why do I still fight?

I’m human. This faith life is still pretty new to me. This trusting God, receiving his messages and honestly striving to live in his will thing is still pretty new. When I stopped and earnestly prayed about this situation, an answer came. Still, I doubted. So I opened the bible and God handed me Matthew 13:10-17.

As always, if I am listening, he speaks.

“But you have God-blessed eyes – eyes that see! And God-blessed ears – ears that hear!” (Matthew 13:16; MSG)

My prayer tonight is that I will seek to take this action the moment I feel any doubt or fear about something God has placed on my heart. Pray. Pick up the bible. Pray some more. Do.

Amen!  :D

I Heart Hugs From Jesus

“When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.” (Jeremiah 29:12-13; MSG)

As small children, when we fall and scrape a knee or the neighborhood bully teases us, we run to our caretaker. For many, this means mom or dad. For some it may be a grandparent or an older sibling. (Others are not so fortunate to have that someone at all.) We run crying into the outstretched arms of our person, and she hugs us, wipes away our tears, uses her shirt to clean the snot from our faces, and reassures us that everything will be all right. Over time, as we grow, this relationship may change form, but if we are lucky, we can still run into the outstretched arms of someone who loves us dearly.

There were a lot of times in my life when I was really hurting, but didn’t run into anyone’s arms. I was too afraid of being a burden, of worrying someone too much, of bogging someone down with a problem with which I knew no one could help me. The loneliness I caused myself with this thinking was nothing short of stifling. Maybe no one could fix my problem, but I wouldn’t even let anyone be there for me, just to love, support and maybe comfort me.

I know it was a trust issue. I didn’t trust anyone enough to do the right thing. I’d been burned far too many times by most, and when it came to my mom, I didn’t want her to have any more reason to worry about me than she already did. I didn’t trust her ability to handle me sharing my hurt with her.

Is it any wonder that this lack of trust extended to God?

Though I so often fervently and desperately cried out, “God, help me!” I didn’t trust him to do it. I did not let go and trust he would catch me. I did not run into his arms. I did not allow him to hold me or to comfort me. I complained, I shouted and screamed at times, asked the persistent question of “WHY?” without really listening for the answer, or if I heard it, deciding it wasn’t the answer I wanted.

There is a song, The More I Seek You, that is beautiful in its simplicity and imagery of a very real and tangible Jesus. A few months ago at a church women’s retreat, we sang this song several times, and it was then that I realized why it touched me so much.

God is not always presented as a personal, tangible God – which he very much is. And in this chapter of my journey with him, I find that I fall more and more in love with him as he becomes more personal to me. I can close my eyes and see myself running into the arms of my Heavenly Papa, who will hold me and love me, comfort me when I am sad, tell me everything will be okay when I worry, and heal me when I am hurting. I can close my eyes and get a big bear hug from Jesus, walk hand in hand with him on the beach, lie on my back in the grass with him beside me, my best friend.

What changed? Well, for one thing, I trust God now. Even when it’s hard, even when I don’t want to, I trust him. I also actively seek him. I spend time in the Good Book, spend time in meditation, spend time talking to him, hanging out with him, praising him. And he tells me over and over again, “You are my precious child. You belong to me and I love you so very much. I am always right here by your side, with you everywhere you go.”

And the more I trust him, the more I can trust others in my life, too. It is a slow process. I know they will let me down – we are human, it happens. But I feel safer knowing I’ve got God beside me, there to catch me if I am dropped, there to hold me and dry my tears, there to place his healing hand on my hurting heart.

“Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” (Jeremiah 29:13-14; MSG)

My prayer today is that we all can move closer to our God, to know that we absolutely can run into his arms anytime we need or want. His arms are open, outstretched and waiting, and there isn’t a soul he will turn away.

Amen!  :D

Ebenezer (Not Scrooge)

Samuel then took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer (which means “the stone of help”), for he said, “Up to this point, the lord has helped us!” (1 Samuel 7:12; NLT)

Threatened by attack from the neighboring Philistines, the Israelites – who spent twenty years in a “fearful movement toward God” after the last devastating Philistinian attack (1 Sam 7:2) – begged Samuel to pray for them.

“Pray with all your might! Pray to God, our God, that he’ll save us.” (1 Sam. 7:8)

Samuel prayed “fervently,” and as he was praying, the Philistinians crossed the border...  and God scattered them, bringing victory to the Israelites as they chased their enemy out of town. Samuel then raised the Ebenezer.

Ebenezer comes from eben ha-ezer,* Hebrew meaning “stone of help.” Samuel raises the Ebenezer where God brought the Israelites victory, as a reminder that he saved them from the Philistinians.

In most of my translations of the bible this verse ends with some form of, “God has helped us so far.” The Ebenezer serves as a reminder not only that God has helped us up to now, but that, as long as we give our lives to him, God will continue to help us.

I’m a fan of Ebenezers. Though my reminders aren’t typically rocks, I am big on symbolic things that correspond with events in my life, especially when and where God has done major work in me. Things to commemorate experiences, to help me remember them. And I need help remembering!

So whether it is a tattoo on my foot, a ring on my finger, or a coin in my pocket, I cherish my Ebenezers. If I find myself in a place where I am threatened with doubt, I can look at any of these things and remember what God has done for me. I can remember that God has helped me this far, and he’ll continue to help me as I strive to live in this life that he has made.

God, today I ask you to keep me focused, to help me remember how far you’ve brought me and to share your light and grace with others as I move through my day.

Amen!  :D

*NAB footnote

Thought This was the Line for the Teacups

“Right now I am storm-tossed. And what am I going to say? ‘Father, get me out of this’? No, this is why I came in the first place. I’ll say, ‘Father, put your glory on display’.” (John 12:27-28a; MSG)

I’m pretty sure I didn’t voluntarily stand in line for the roller coaster I’ve been on recently.

Except that I did. The moment I prayed, “Your will, not mine,” I signed up. And every moment after, when amidst the prayers for grace, serenity, peace, and rest I earnestly lifted it all up to God and said, “It’s yours,” I got back in line.

God is the master planner, the principal architect, the one with the knowledge and tools to put my life together the best way it can be. Good thing, too, for his design is far better than mine ever could’ve been. My last entry, Cup is full..., was all about giving that truth a nod.

So following that writing, I got back in line to ride again.

Just after I received amazing, life-changing news (God working out those plans I of which I couldn’t have dreamed), I discovered mold in my apartment. My couch in the living room sat against the wall shared with the building’s laundry machines. At some point, some time ago, the washer leaked and mold began to grow on my side of the wall. (Completely unbeknownst to me, as I hadn’t moved the couch in the year and a half I’ve lived here.) It had been growing long enough that it had grown into my couch. My couch, my dear friend with whom I spent my evenings, where I ate, worked on my laptop, watched entirely too much TV, napped and occasionally slept.

I renewed my lease and they offered to have my carpets cleaned. Looking at my apartment I thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice to rearrange the furniture after they clean the carpet? It’ll be like a new place to go with the new life.” I think I knew I needed it. I also needed to do a serious spring cleaning and de-clutter.  I moved my couch to vacuum underneath and there it is. Mold. Dark, toxic mold. The kind of mold which, seeing as much as I could see of it and as dark as it was, likely expanded out from the visible spots exponentially.

Funny how God works.

I’m very allergic to mold. Suddenly, what I thought was a worsening of my asthma with age stood explained. The seeming ineffectiveness of allergy pills? Clarified. There was no amount of “cleaning” or “fixing” the issue with which I was comfortable. I had to move.

During the moving process I ran into trial after issue after unpleasant situation. Trip after trip in and out to the car, up and down the stairs... No time to pack in an organized fashion, just get the stuff out and get it out fast! And move it up stairs. (There’s a reason why I’ve lived on the first floor for the last ten years.)

Within a few days of being in the new place, I felt so much better. I could breathe easier, my allergies were more in check, I didn’t feel as fatigued. And you know what? I like being on the second floor now because I love having my windows open and I feel safer doing so when not on the ground floor. Though the apartment is the exact same layout, I’ve rearranged the furniture for a different set-up, so it feels new. The big, bulky couch is gone, and as I look at how I am de-cluttering in this major spring cleaning that took its form in haphazard moving, I just want to get rid of more. (I wrote about this in August – we can see how quickly I accomplished the task on my own!)

God’s plans are better. At first I resisted. On the phone with my mom after I found the mold, all I could utter was, “The absolute last thing I want to do is move.” But I didn’t have a choice. God made the choice for me. Fresh starts – new job, new home...  Things come in threes, so what came next?

I got back in line and then strapped in for the next big obstacle that hit me full-force as the move neared completion.

God, I know you go before me in all things and that you are with me through all things. Please help me remember always to find the joy in your divine design and not fall into bitterness or discontent. You prove time and time again that you do a far better job with my life than I do, so now and always (though I’ll forever have to renew), I place my life in your hands. Your will, not mine.

Amen! :D

Cup is Full, but He Keeps Pouring!

Ephesians 3:20

“God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!” (MSG)

This verse caught my eye while flipping pages, hunting for a different verse for my special Lenten project. I began to write the other, then realized this is the one God wanted. As I reached to shut down the computer and head to bed, he nudged. Write your gratitude, Love.

This verse embodies how I am feeling these days. I am so completely and utterly in awe of what God is doing in my life – it is without a doubt beyond my wildest dreams, more than I ever could have imagined, guessed, or requested. I can’t even count the number of times I have had streams of gratitude flowing down my face in the last couple of weeks. And here they come again now. I can’t help it: My Cup Runneth Over.

As his mercy and grace flow in and makes me new, the old is flowing out.

It’s almost an odd feeling, suddenly to be so overcome and to feel the wet of the tears rolling down my cheeks, not crying or sobbing, but breathing normally, and just tears and tears and tears like God turned the faucet on. I can’t stop it and I don’t want to. Even though it is a strange sensation, it feels amazing. Cleansing. Relieving.

I’ve had more than a handful of people ask if I’ve lost weight recently. I’m small in stature, so even a slight change is noticeable, but I haven’t seen it. All I can think is that God helps me continue to shed the pounds of my past. Every day he makes me lighter as he draws me nearer.

Words can never express the profound gratitude I feel.

Doors continue to open, miracles continue to happen. And I do mean miracles! God has restored hopes and dreams within me that I never thought could be revived.

I work really hard these days to stay in contact with God throughout my day, every day. The praying without ceasing is becoming more of a habit and less of an, “Oh, yeah, I should pray.” Every song I sing now comes forth as a prayer. And as much as I – I’ll say it again – as much as I wanted to be writing more and I had certain ideas about how I’d spend my time during Lent, God had something else in mind. Turns out he wanted some more intimate time with me, just me and God, God and me.

God opened my heart wide and revealed things to me I may have missed had I been intent on still trying to do things my way, even in a godly way.

God is good. All the time.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound; such a beautiful surrender. Not me, God, but you. Fill me up.

Amen!