Why Can't I Just Flip a Switch?

James 1:5-8

“If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father.  He loves to help. ... Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought.” James 1:5a, 6a (MSG)

So many times I have asked for help, yet not really expected to receive it.  Did I know God could do it?  Sure did!  Did I think he’d do it for me?  Sure didn’t.

I believed in the power of God.  I believed in the power of prayer.  And for a short time, I even believed it could work in my life.  But then my world fell to pieces again, and I feared that believing God would do anything for me would only set me up to be let down.  While I had experienced plenty of good things in my life, mostly what I felt was pain, disappointment, and abandonment.

So in my darkest hours, I couldn’t find the light.  In great desperation, all I could pray was, “God, help me,” but I didn’t really believe he would.  Because if I really believed he would and then he didn’t, there truly would be no hope left at all.  Better to ask and not expect to receive than to ask, believe, and be left in the dark anyway. 

“But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt.” James 1:6a (NIV) 

Doubt.  Defined as: 1) to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe; 2) to distrust; 3) Archaic. to fear; be apprehensive about.  (Dictionary.com)

Uncertainty, hesitation, fear...  Distrust.  Having doubts about God is the number one way to prove I do not trust him.  I do not trust that he will provide.  I do not trust that he will catch me if I fall.  I do not trust that he will ever pull me out of my darkness into his light.  I couldn’t believe because to believe was to have hope, and to have hope meant opening myself up to the possibility of being hurt.  And I hurt enough as it was.

The thing is, truly trusting God and believing he will do all of those things listed above, even in the midst of trying times, takes the weight of the world off of my shoulders.  God will do what I cannot do, and there is a lot that I cannot do.  Surrendering to him and his will for my life, spending a great deal of time in prayer, meditation, and the Good Book makes life a lot less difficult to live, even when it still brings pain.

So I’ll keep earnestly believing.  I will keep trusting, I will continue to lift my hands high, and I will walk in his light.

“If you walk in darkness, you don’t know where you’re going.  As you have the light, believe in the light.  Then the light will be within you, and shining through your lives.  You’ll be children of light.”  John 12:35b, 36 (MSG)

Amen!  :D